Happiness...

... last week sometime a friend of mine asked me if I was happy.  I'm sure it was in response to a momentary grump I was in so of course I couldn't answer in the affirmative that day.  Once the grump was over, however, I had a more objective look. 

Before I go any further.... thanks to Anna for the new "autumnish" look... soon enough I'll be asking her to change it fro Christmas but for now its lovely!

Ok, back to happy. I've been meaning to write this every since he asked me that question and have been distracted, tired or even sick since then, so today I am resolved! 

I haven't really been sure what 'happy' really meant... so off I went to dictionary.com and here's what I found...

hap·py

1.  delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing

Delighted?  eh... maybe not a word I'd choose.  Pleased?  yes - pleased that my life is going so very well.  Pleased that my work has offered me unexpected opportunities to do more than what I was hired to do.  Pleased that I have a support system of awesome women (and a few good men :)  ) around me.  Pleased to have two wonderful trips planned to see people I love.  Glad? Yes, glad to have a cozy home and everything I need.  Glad to be able to use my talents to serve others and craft gifts for people I love. 


2. characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy: a happy mood; a happy frame of mind.

Pleasure?  eh - Occasional.  Contentment? More and more all the time.  Content with my being single, certainly in the face of the alternative of being with the wrong person.  Content with the job I did as a mother since Anna is still an awesome kid.  Joy?  Another hard one... lots o'happy? Life is good... nothing rapturous though. LOL 

3. favored by fortune; fortunate or lucky: a happy, fruitful land.

Fortunate? Very!  I always have been!  I've always maintained that my life has been charmed... while I frequently have people comment on how challenging it must have been to raise Anna alone, I've never seen it that way.  I never thought of it as a trial or a problem - exactly the opposite actually... I've been very blessed and fortunate. "Alone" is a misnomer... I was never alone.  I had my parents and my siblings and girlfriends  - all supportive and helpful.  Fortunate because I've always had the right people in my life at the right time, even if I wanted different, even if I wanted more... what I NEED has always been given.  
Lucky?  Not sure I believe in 'luck' since I have an equal disbelief in 'coincidenece'.  I believe things happen for a reason so I've gotten used to letting things roll and play out.  I believe if I do my part, all that -I- can do, then the rest is left up to someone more powerful than I... and what I get, is what I need.  Now, don't be confusing that with being patient or wanting what I want... I still do that.  I'm just willing to trust that what I get is enough...for the moment. 

In another discussion with this same friend, I was trying to explain how I deal with the 'what ifs'.   Many years ago, when I lived in DC, my then and now BFF taught me something I'll never forget about making decisions; about how immobilizing the 'what ifs' can be... spend too much time second guessing yourself and guess what... YOU NEVER MAKE A DECISION!  So, instead, I adopted the following:

1. I'm a smart cookie and completely capable to making good decisions.
2. Precious time is wasted by worrying about the possibility that I made the wrong decision - especially since the worry is usually worry that there are facts unknown to me.
3. I consider everything I DO know about...whatever...and made a decision based on THAT information, its all I have.
4. If my decision turns out to be misguided or in error (and this is the part that took a LOT of practice)... its ok, because I know I made the best decision with what I knew at the time....and I refuse to beat myself up over it. 
5. Very little in life is unchangeable...and I can usually course correct without serious damage.  And even when its NOT an easy correction (like moving to NJ and staying here after Steve and I broke up) the lessons learned along the way are valuable and improve me.

Sometimes it makes me sound impulsive...and I suppose that's true too but its based on really quick version of the above.  THIS practice helps me to be happy.  It also allows me to trust my gut more...which is something I had stopped doing.  And that can't be bad.  

 So, Squish, am I happy?  I have to say yes.  I am.  Thanks for asking. :) 

Lost Friends

Many years ago I lost a dear friend to cancer.  Sadly enough, she was the first of many.

Karalee was a pistol, she was audacious and ballsy.  I met her when I was 19. I was in college and she was a married mom with two young daughters.  We worked, along with many other fabulous women, for a retail store in a local mall.  Over the course of many years we became the group known as the "LB Gang".  She introduced me to many things as a young adult... and a young mother.  My daughter had 'look' Barbies and 'play' Barbies because if her...lol  She took me to Vegas for the first time (nope, I wasn't legal).  And she and one of the other girls were who I used to go dancing with all the time... at the great indulgence of her husband. 

In January 1995, I was working a part time job (in addition to my FT job) at the mall (different store) when called to tell me she had a brain tumor... I didn't think it was very funny.  Neither did the doctors.  The operated immediately and by the grace of God she recovered well.  It was 18 months later that she and I were sitting on her patio and she told me the cancer was back and inoperable.  I was stunned.  And once the numbness wore off, I was determined to make sure that I spent as much time with her as possible and that she knew I loved her...so every time we were together I made a point of telling her I loved her before I left.  A year later she refused to let me see her and wouldn't talk on the phone anymore... not COULDN'T... WOULDN'T.  And two months later I received a call from her husband that she had died. 

I can count on one hand the number of things that knocked me off my feet...literally, as in dropping to the floor.  Dave's phone call was one of them. 

I have been incredibly blessed in my life that until recent years I had not suffered the loss of friends or even many family members (up to that point, my grandfathers).  So, to lose a friend I loved SO much was pivotal. 

The best thing to come out of it was a new awareness of how important it is that people know they are loved.  I've been lackadaisical about it lately and have resolved to do better.  Comfortable or not, people, it needs to be said.  I think its a common thing to unexpectedly lose someone and worry that they didn't know how much you cared for them... which, IMO, adds to the grieving.  The only way to combat that is to TELL them.  If "I love you" does not come easy, and for some of us it does not, there are other ways.  Find the way that works best for you.  And BTW, I believe they know... its just one thing that helps US find peace without them. 

Losing someone always sucks... there's no way around it.  And we take as long as we take to mourn the loss.  When Dan died this summer, if you've read the entry about it you know, I was devastated.  I spoke with a good friend that is a therapist shortly after learning of his death and she asked if I wanted her to help me process the loss... and I felt, and still do, pretty good about how things were left with us... we were dear friends who loved each other.  I'm at peace with that.  I like to believe he is too.  I see flashes of him... just like I do Karalee and the others... in people or places... and while it twists my heart a little, my life was greatly blessed for having them in it. 

To quote the fabulous James Taylor song...

Better to shower the people you love with love,
Show them the way that you feel
Things are gonna be just fine if you only will.

Tis the Season...

...for Michael McLean music.

My daughter frequently defends listening to Christmas music early by citing her years as a 'choir kid' when school choirs start learning holiday music practically from the beginning of the school year.  Having been a choir kid myself, I can't argue with her!  Anyone that knows my family knows that Christmas begins early...about 10 minutes after returning from the annual trip to the pumpkin patch near my father's childhood home in southern Idaho.  For me, it begins when I identify the craft projects I need to complete for the season - generally gifts of tree skirts and/or christmas stockings... the number of which I've made since 1988 I cannot identify.  ( if YOU have a request, speak now or forever through 2010 hold your peace)

So, this year I've got only one tree skirt to make (for BFF Stacy)... and one advent calendar project to do with friend Rachael.  Not too demanding...once I get started.  These are the things that get me in the holiday spirit. And I try not to sweat over how to afford Christmas...I'm sure anyone that's thought of it (and isn't independently wealthy) has stressed over it.  Its only FIVE paychecks away!

I love all kinds of christmas music with my beloved Harry Connick Jr being a staple. Even so, some of my favorite holiday music comes from a play called 'The Forgotten Carols' by the wonderful Michael McLean.  Part of the reason I love the music so much is because my friend, Karalee, now deceased, introduced me to them.  The other part is that they are just plain wonderful.  It took many, many years before I was able to listen to the songs and NOT tear up. Now, I've been fortunate enough to see the play a few times as well, which makes it all the more special. Since the tour is limited to the West, I am grateful Anna sent me the DVD the first year it was available and I can watch it anytime.

In short, the play is about a rigid, stiff nurse sent to care for an aging 'Uncle John' during the holiday season.  She thinks Uncle John is a bit 'touched' when he tells her he's been alive for over 2000 years.  Over the course of the play, her heart softens and opens as she hears his 'forgotten' carols. While I love the entire show and all the music, there are some songs that effect me more deeply than the others.  I especially love that they are not the typical characters of which we hear for Christmas. A few of them are: (many of them are on youtube)

An overview... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUVTP64vbfI

• Let Him In:  about the innkeeper that turned away Mary and Joseph - wow, what a legacy!  Fortunately, its a positive song as it is really about letting Christ into your life.
• He Was Here: about a shepherd that slept through the angel's announcement and missed seeing the baby Jesus - a song about faith.
• I Was Not His Father: about Joseph...ever think how it would have felt to be charged to raise Jesus???
• Handel Dream: Composer Handel as an angel in heaven who couldn't hold a tune in a bucket... but was destined to provide the world with music that lives through time.

The original version of the CD/Book/Play was added to when Michael McLean added a couple of songs as a 'conclusion' and it is one of these songs that is my favorite. 'What I Need'

All I ever wanted, all I ever dreamed of, everything I hoped, and all the things I prayed for
Couldn't hold a candle to what I've been given , I've been given what I need.
A mansion on a hill, or love like in the movies, perfect little lives where no one has a problem, instead of all those things I thought I really wanted, I've been given what I need.

Even when I didn't understand, when I thought you had no heart, thank you for rejecting my demands and always giving me the better part. 

When I get frustrated with where things are in my life, I remember that someone who knows better - and when I step back and stop trying to control the way events unfold, things turn out exactly how they are supposed to. 


And because I love so many  of Michael McLean's songs, I also want to post this one for my brother... the first time I heard it, I thought of you.  I've been trying to share it with you for years and lost the CD.

I know you don't feel very special most of the time and I want you to know that -I- think you're special and I am grateful you are my brother.  I've always been impressed that you have always been one of the 'ninety and nine' while I have frequently been the lost lamb.  You don't have to be a spiritual giant to be a great man.  I love you. Happy Birthday!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bjt2w9spiwU&feature=related

Saturday Screed

Welcome Fall!  Thou art my favorite time of year!

Occassionally I am accused of being a control freak.  Yeah, I KNOW... crazy!  So I've been thinking, in a light hearted way, about those thing over which I fuss...and those I don't.  Here are a few things I came up with...feel free to add to the list.

(my daughter can confirm...or refute... the following)

• I hate open cabinets and drawers... but last night's dishes still in the sink the AM, not a problem.
• I don't care where you squeeze the toothpaste tube, but you'd better learn how to put toilet paper on the holder... the right direction.
• I don't mind driving everywhere... but don't touch my music and MY drink goes in the forward cup holder.
• If I can't see that you've been drinking milk out of the carton, I don't care...just don't leave it in the fridge empty.
• I have 'look' towels  and 'use' towels... I will show you the difference.
• If the thread count is less than 600, I don't care how good the price or cute the pattern, those sheets are not going home with me.
• Yes, I alphabetize my DVDs...what of it? 

Ok... the mindless is done. 

I went to Sam's Club today, for the first time since I was home in Utah in July.  As I walked around picking up the things on my list a few things occurred to me...some not for the first time.

Shopping at Sam's is limited for a single woman with no storage space...lol  There are a few things that I just can't bring myself to pay for at the grocery store and its worth the initial output.  But the list is short.  I like to buy things like chicken breast and pork chops and then break them up into 'individual' portions and freeze them.  Granola bars, ziploc bags, bread, and occasionally books and movies end up in my basket... but I eschew 6 packs of anything, 120 load laundry soap, and 36 rolls of paper towels... no room.  Still I like to go and wander around.

Sam's (and other warehouse stores) make the overwhelming presence of fattening, processed, never-gonna-be-good-for-you food that is prevalent in our society even more noticeable.  They outshadow the fruits an veggies and good stuff. Wow!  I briefly considered a 5 lb bag of baby carrots... but they'd go bad before I had a chance to finish them off... or my skin would turn orange from eating them all, and that would clash with my hair. 

People really do go to Sam's for dinner on a saturday... not to BUY it but to partake of the many demonstration stations throughout the store...there may have been things I would have considered buying but I couldn't tell because I could not navigagte the hordes clustered around the breaded chicken patty or quiche stations. 

On Thursday I went to my book group... and in addition to a great bunch of women, the book we read was Garlic and Sapphires by Ruth Reichl.  She was a food critic and would go out in disguise so people wouldn't fawn all over her... and my favorite aspect was all of the different characters she developed...all imbued with different personality characteristics that were parts of her, many that she did not even realize she had!  It reminded me of Lucy.

Lucy is my alter ego... back in the day I had friends who used to give men fake names when we were out... Mel and Steffie...lol  I never could do that.  I started referring to Lucy when I realize there were two distinct sides of me... Rieda is all about responsibity while Lucy was all about the fun but I think there's supposed to be a balance, right?  Oh, Lucy asserts herself occasionally and gets away with a few things... makes impulsive decisions but its Rieda that makes sure things don't get out of hand.  Ok...sometimes that is SO boring...lol 

I think Rieda and Lucy need to go on a playdate...what do you think? :)

Pray, Love, Eat

Well now... I had no idea it had been so long since I'd posted anything.  Yeesh.  Nothing major going on, just plugging along and staying the course.  All is well in the Land of Rieda - dare I mention the word h-a-p-p-y ?  Please read the following with a positive spin as that is how it is written. 

I tried many times in the last couple of years to read the book "Eat, Pray, Love".  I would pick it up... put it down, pick it up, put it down... and then I saw the movie.  Then I really wanted to see if I could finish the book.  As you would expect, the big screen version is different from the book and I was ok with that. I didn't read it like I do  my standard trashy novels... so it took a LOT longer than usual.  If you haven't seen the book, it a quest - one woman's journey to find a relationship with herself, God and the universe. Something all of us, man or woman, could use - I think.

One day I was sitting at lunch and I pulled the book out of my bag (yes, I buy handbags that are purposedly big enough to carry books) and the front cover suddenly read (its really long) "Rieda - the answer to all you want is simple... Eat...Pray...Love"  Huh...That IS pretty simple...altho in a different order of things. 

So, MY order of things is this... Pray, Love, Eat.  


Pray -

I admit that I have been lax in my prayers.  All for reasons that are based in fear.  I am extremely grateful for all that I have and I have never denied that its all by the grace of God that my life has gone so well.  I'm not saying that I haven't had my own part in it - I have - because of the talents and skills I've been blessed with. The way I learned to pray as a child was very specific... give thanks before asking... and I am pretty comfortable doing that - my life is pretty darn good and extraordinarily blessed - it always has been. 

So, I have the gratitude part down...but then comes the asking... I'm really specific when asking others, no problem there.  Its only recently that I've realize that I'm not very specific when it comes to asking for things for myself.  Then I am usually quite vague.  I've been telling myself that its simply 'turning it over'... but really, its fear.  Fear that He will just say no to anything specific because, honestly, I don't deserve it...human screw up that I am.  (Please note that I am not saying that I am RIGHT...simply where my thinking has been...so no need to tell me)

So what do I need to do in the "pray " phase?  Apply the same specificity when asking God for what I need/want that I do when I am remembering others in my prayers.  (Please note that I KNOW that He knows what I need and want... and I think sometimes He waits for me to know and to ask). And get more comfortable praying in general... I've not been as consistent as I know I can be. This is not a new thing, just one with which I've gotten out of practice.

Love -

Ever had a time in your life when you thought "wow, I should be feeling more excitement (happiness, sadness, pain, etc) and yet its just not coming to you? And then you watch a commercial with kittens and all of a sudden the tears won't stop?  NO?  Well, I have... and its a strange feeling.   Maybe its just the years piling up on me, too many years of placing my hopes and heart on people that had no interest in granting or caring for them (respectively).  I don't FEEL bitter, so I really don't think that's it.  I still love me (as a species ;)  )  I recognize that I have shut down a lot though. 

Sadly, this is not an exclusive thing about men... I have a hard time bringing up emotions with friends too... except for the odd occasion when EVERYTHING comes spewing out uncontrollably and it takes me all night to recover.

I've recently been working on an exercise to try and excise some ghosts... people that have had a grip on me that I no longer want to maintain (notice that... the grip is self-imposed, I've been maintaining).  Ok...just one 'people' really comes to mind.  Reflecting on the one caused me to reflect on others... and one thing that I was reminded of was how easily I used to love.  I fell in love at the drop of a hat... it started when I was 12 and in 8th grade and probably didn't stop until I was in my 40's.  I don't think its a bad thing - to love easily - I just need to pair it with loving wisely.  Still a work in progress on that one... and until I can choose more wisely (think the Templar Knight in the chalice room on Raiders III) I will refrain from making any choices at all - don't worry, not in a defeatest kind of way, more in a healing kind of way.  Instead, I will focus on the health of my friendships...with men.  I used to be friends with guys... a long, long time ago!

Eat -

I figure by the time I get to the point of really dealing with food that most of my issues will have resolved themselves as they are intertwined with the other two components... prayer and love.  Whatever is left will be a matter of simply shaking it a little and sweeping it out.  :)

Ah food... my relationship with food is not a unique one... its my go-to when I'm feeling sad or lonely or in need of comfort. Or bored. Mostly bored.  I'd rather have a hug or five... but those are in short supply.  Judging from my weight issues (the reason for this blog, remember?) its been my solace for a very long time.  I don't really binge and I don't really get overwhelmed by sadness or loneliness... so its mostly just habit now...and inactivity.  And since food is a necessity to live, its not like I can go cold turkey.  So, I watch what I eat and just as importantly WHEN I eat.  I'm grateful for the changes I've already made in this area... there is more work to be done.

I continue to go to Weight Watchers... I've plateaued for the last couple of months... and its been very discouraging.  Ok, maybe one of those months I stopped caring.  And now I'm back on track.  For the first time in many weeks I had a nice loss (yay me!)... and I'm hoping its means I'm on the other side of the plateau. 

I have an exercise bike a girlfriend gave me and I gaze at it fondly...while it collects dust.  Actually, when I first got it, I was all gung ho...until my neighbor underneath me started pounding on the ceiling...I'm still not sure why but I haven't quite gotten to wanting to ride it before 9:00. I keep thinking 'well, if its that early, just go for a walk'  I'd rather walk anyway - but we seem to have gone from hot hot hot to cold rain cold temps here in NJ... blech. 

So what do I need to do for this topic?  Truly...just stay the course and move more.  Keep doing what I'm doing and it will come off... very, very slowly.  I have a goal in mind to reach before Thanksgiving... its another 10 lbs away.

Birthday

I had a birthday a couple of weeks ago... 44 years old...how did that happen?  I still feel young...so it must needs be that I am!  My gift to myself was to attend a Creative Visualization class on my bday.  I had hoped for...nay, expected...something new and was disappointed.  Instead it was a decent review of what I'd already known and learned from my wise and learned BFF, Stacy.  It was a nice night in that my friends Tiffany and Rachael also joined me.  It was in this class that I was reminded of the need to be specific...whether in prayer or visualization. 

And that wraps up tonights entry... the goal is to be in bed by midnight...so I just might make it. :)

A new month, a new game....

Sorry there guys, I thought I had posted since my post about Dan's death.  Didn't mean to leave it on such a sad topic! 

Goodbye July, don't let the door hit you in the keester as you leave!  While a strong blend of good and bad, July was a tough month!  Good things... parents' 50th wedding anniversary, trip home to Utah, time with Anna, time with Georgie the next week, got to see Harry play...finally (if only for a little while), and am settling into my new role as a BA on the NJKiDS project.  Difficult things... ironically enough - trip home to Utah (for some reason, its always a little hard on my spirit, haven't figure it out yet) and settling into my new job as a BA, and a slew of losses...Uncle Dave, Susie's baby, and dear friend Dan. 

As for the loss of my friend, I'm ok.  I get sad if I think about it too much... but I do that when I think about my gf Karalee who has been gone for 12...13?... years too (this August).  I was talking to my mother recently and she said she was sorry to hear about Dan and it was clear that she, and the rest of my family, did not understand why his death hit me so hard.  It wasn't until I explained that I wasn't mourning the passing of a long-since past love, I was mourning the loss of a friend and how we came to BE such good friends after all the crap of our romance that she understood. 

So, its August... 22 years ago this time I was hugely pregnant and thinking it would never end and dreading when it did since even then I knew the pregnancy was the easy part.  LOL So, happy birthday month, my baby girl! You are the best thing I ever have done and ever will do.  And I'm so very proud of the young woman you are today.

August started with a bang.  I pulled one of my work-all-weekend-with-no-sleep things and its taken most of this week to recover.  I went from being absolutely sick from exhaustion to a huge wave of the lonelies on Friday.  Fortunately, it all passes with a little time and I am good.  I seldom get bowled over by the lonelies anymore... but once in awhile...WHAM... in the kisser!  So, I have a little pity party and wallow a tad... and then I synch up the girls and get on with things!  August is a precursor to Fall!  I love FALL!  My soul always picks up then.

Took the truck into the shop today because the AC had stopped working...again.  I figured it was the belt, as it has been the last 6 times... this time the belt was still in place and needed tightening.  So, I was happy that that's all it was... and at no charge!  wOOt!    New Jersey has been in the throes of a heatwave and it seems to have subsided every so slightly.  Still, AC is a good thing to have! 

In an effort to get a grip on myself, I am cleaning things out of the apartment... I have a vision for what I'd like it to look like for the next year so slowly but surely I am taking steps in that direction.  I have also noticed that my abundance of clothing is beginning to dwindle... because as I lose weight there are just too many things I can't keep wearing!  Dang... I know, its tragic.  Its also cathartic! It has been at LEAST 10 years since I started wearing my pre-Weight Watchers size... so many of the things are old as well.  So is nice to get rid of that size.  I am not buying a ton of new clothing because I can't do that each time I go down a size...so the room in the closet is growing. More empty hangers than clothes it seems... and theres more I need to go through!  Good stuff! 

All in all, I'm good.  I have some re-centering to do, I feel a little off to the left.  Not really a surprise given the last couple of months and once in awhile I think we all need an alignment. 

Today I am a mess. 

For anyone that has known me for a long time, you know that I was once involved, engaged to briefly, a man named Dan.  We were lousy as a couple and that part of our relationship was very hurtful.  Over the years though, we have both changed and worked really hard to be friends, very good friends.  And we were really good at it. 

I called him a few weeks ago and left a message.  It had been a month or so since we'd talked and it was time to catch up.  I didn't hear back from him, which was weird since neither one of us failed to return the other's call.  So, last night I went to his Facebook page with the intent of messaging him... to find post after post to him about his death.  DIED a month ago, the week before I called him. And, FTR, finding out a friend has died from posts on their Facebook completely SUCKS. 

I panicked, I cried, I hyperventilated, I cried... and then I cried some more.  I still can't find an obituary but I did find a news blurb that said he was a victim of drowning.  He and his girlfriend (new, since I didn't know about her, that's how close we were), his son and at least one more child, plus a couple of others were boating.  The kids went into the water for a final swim (in vests) and so did one of the women... she started to struggle and he went in to help.  She was able to get back in the boat. Dan did not.  I can't even imagine what happened given he was as at home on the water as land.  No matter. 

So, I'm heartbroken.  And this morning I realized that this is the first time I've lost a friend to a senseless accident - illnesses - yes, military - yes, but no accidents.  I spoke with my BFF last night and she reminded me that while he died a month ago, in my reality, he died yesterday. The grief made sense. 

I was all prepared to blog about a book I just read called "God on a Harley"... which had some insightful information.  I'll save that for another day but there's one part I wanted to mention, since it relates to the relationship Dan and I had as friends.  In the book, the woman is questioning if marriages really work... I would suggest that the following applies to any relationships where love is involved... family, friends, partners. 

"...it only works between two people who have slain their own dragons and who understsand that real love is what grows in a heart that has been fertilized with the seeds of self-awareness and a heart that is strong enough to sustain that hard earned sense of self." 

Rest in peace, my friend.

And now I have to go or I will start to cry again... :)   Soon I will be back to tell all about the great things that have happened this summer.

May Update

April showers bring May flowers... eh... not a lot of rain in April, no complaints, but the world is green and flowers in bloom. 

The weather has been warm lately... 90 degrees this weekend!  The nights are gorgeous and even the days aren't bad.  OY.. wouldn't have been so bad except my A/C is out... again.  Since moving from Utah, my poor Montero has been through 4... yes FOUR... A/C belts.  Its starts off with squealing... off and on.  The eventually its just gone.  Everytime I take it in, to different places even, I get the "we've looked at everything, blah, blah, blah, looks fine, we tightened this or that, and put a new belt on.  You should be fine."  Guess what.... NOT FINE.  So, I'm going to try a different tact this time... rather than go to a chain store, I will (eventually) take it to a a friend's mechanic and beg that they tell me WHY it keeps going through belts.  Replacing the belt is the least of my worries.  It'll be awhile before I can swing it in the $$$ dept, hopefully not all summer (ugh-o-ramma!)

Fortunately if that's what I have to worry most about, I'm in pretty good shape!  lol 

Let's see... I decided to NOT sign a new lease for my apt and will be moving at the end of June.  With the uncertainty of the job sitch, I just wasn't comfortable signing a new one. So, I'm going to throw my stuff in storage and move in with some friends that rent the third level of their home.  Its a better deal financially and I'm not tied into a lease.  And if I DO end up staying here for a few years, I will take some time to find a place that's a little bigger and brighter (seriously, brighter, as in windows and open kitchen). 

I've been doing Weight Watchers for four months now... and I've lost 16.2 lbs.  Of course, I wish that number were at least doubled... but this seems to be the speed at which my body wants to lose it.  And now that the weather has turned,  I will start walking and enjoying all the 'green' outside.  That's help too.  So, I'm enjoying my loss and look forward to more... I'm hoping another 10 before I go home in July for my parents' 50th wedding anniversary. 

On a completely silly note, I have been wearing my hair curly... I forget just how curly it really is!  I started doing it because I needed to get my hair done (cut and color) and had to cancel my previous appt.  So, I thought - eh, let it go, it'll hide the split ends...lol 

And... that's about it... things are just chuggin' along... more later. :)

Look Not Behind Thee

I’ve been thinking about change. Not the kind that jingles in the bottom of your purse, rather changes we make in ourselves as individuals. Not the kind that we make so slowly that one day we look at our lives and say “crap, how did I get here?” but the ones that we consciously make to bring us BACK from that place or to an entirely NEW, better place althogether.

I was recently reading in a church magazine and article “The Best is Yet to Be” and it refers to the biblical story of the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah when Lot was commanded to take his family and escape. Lot’s Wife…I sometimes think I was she in a previous life… despite the Lord’s command to “look not behind thee”, she did… and we know what happened… Pillar-o-Salt.

The article goes on to explore a little bit about why… was is simply because she didn’t obey? If that were the case, that little girl on the front of the salt containers would be me. Did she want to go back? Possibly. Or did she look back knowing she was leaving behind parts of her life and people in her life that she would miss – even if just a little. Obviously I don’t know WHAT she was thinking when she glanced back. Was it wistful? Did she resent having to leave? Did she actually consider turning back? We won’t really know the answer to that.

I relate the story to the difficulty of change. At least it fits for me. Not that I think we’ll all turn in to pillars of salt or anything, simply that its easy to look back – even as we leave behind habits, patterns, people that we realize are not good for us – and have a moment of waffling and wonder, even for a split second, is this really what I need? Hopefully on the heels of that thought is a resounding “YES!” and we continue on a path of change.

Sometimes we DO turn back, because we aren’t ready… we aren't ready to give up things or maybe the comfort of what we know, even though its not what’s best for us (physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually… whatever)… is easier than the fear of the change. Ok… wait… I’m going to stop here and switch gears… there’s no royal “we” in this, no mouse in my pocket… it’s just me. SO let me rephrase -I- have found it easier to stay where I was than make changes… because the fear of the consequences was terrifying. I was being cowardly… I know it. And, as I’ve learned with other people, I wasn’t going to make changes until I was ready… no sooner, no later.

The changes of which I speak are related to my church. I’m not one of those people that can say “I’m spiritual” and leave it at that. My belief system is firmly grounded in LDS doctrine. I’ve always viewed it as an all or nothing sort of thing… because I knew what was expected of me as a member of the church and if I wasn’t going to DO all of that then I wasn’t going to be a hypocrite and pretend that I was. I'm not saying that was a good perspective either - just that it "was". Getting to the place where I wasn’t living according to my own belief system came in the normal way… little things become big things become huge things, conscious and unconscious decisions, waffling back and forth.

I recognize that my resistance to change was based in fear. Fear that I would spend the rest of this earthly life alone. In a recent conference address someone said “Fear and faith cannot exist together”… so, if I was SO afraid then clearly I had no faith (read: positive outlook, hope) that I would not be alone. (A moment to clarify – alone, as in single, no husband… THAT kind of alone – spare me the lectures about how I’m not really alone, that’s not what this blog is about)

Why am I always yammering on about being single? Because it’s one of two things in my life that is NOT what I want it to be and the only thing that I’ve let fear control. I’m pretty good on everything else.

The article goes on to say -

“The past is to be learned from but not lived in…And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives.”
And there’s the change… from fear to faith. It started with a realization that I HAD to get past the fear. Its not that is a contained little fear.  Fears like this, no matter the "fear of..." can spread to other parts of life, to other thinking, behaviors, attitudes that were otherwise headed in the right direction.

For me, it involved a lot of prayer and processing – and realizing that in every other aspect of my life, where I’ve NOT been afraid (beyond normal trepidation), that things always work out for the best. That’s how its ALWAYS been. I’ve been incredibly blessed. Professionally - changes I never saw coming, I rolled with them and trust that it was the direction I was supposed to go… and it is. Having Anna… look how great that turned out! Leaving Utah and being away from my family put a completely different spin on the concept of independent, I needed that spin. (Still miss them madly, don’t get the wrong impression here ;-) ) So it was time to, for lack of a better phrase, “give it over to God”.  I also had to get over a huge wall I'd created that had "He doesn't love you anymore, you've screwed up too much" stamped all over it.  Broken heart is too mild when someone believed God no longer loves them.  Once I'd hurdled that foolish, yet powerful wall, I noticed that I started to see things...

I have lots of really cute couples in my life that are clearly still smitten with each other… and guess what… not ALL have been married since early adulthood! A friend (in her 50’s) recently said she’s only been with the RIGHT man for 9 years…so it gives me hope. And in a brief conversation with a family member I learned that he had a new goal… to have a baby by the time he’s 50 – a HUGE statement for someone that didn’t think that would ever be a possibility or that he deserved it.

I find myself enjoying my trashy romance novels a little bit more (the Nook is fabulous for this!), noticing the cute families in church and the little touches that they probably take for granted sometimes, and (this makes me giggle) the couples that kiss after a blessing is said on the food at dinner time (there’s more than one of you). How darn cute is that? lol

In this case, seeing is believing. The more I see in other people, the more I believe for me.

Back to the topic of change…

I’ve learned that when it’s TIME and the desire to change is REAL that it’s easier to be consistent. People have asked me “what’s different this time?” (it’s not my first time) And the only answer I can give is that fear isn’t there anymore… I’m coming at it from a position of faith… that things WILL work out how they are supposed to and I’m to do my part and leave the rest up to He who knows more than I. I’ll invite love into my life (be open to it),  “See Motorcycles”, and be ready. And while all of that is percolating, I’m happy where I am – personally and spiritually. Can’t ask for more than that.

A final thought from the article…

The best is yet to be… “Dismiss the destructive, and keep dismissing it until the beauty of the Atonement of Christ has revealed to you your bright future and the bright future of your family, your friends, and your neighbors. God doesn’t care nearly as much about where you have been as He does about where you are and, with His help, where you are willing to go.”

Thank you, Elder Holland (and Bryon for bringing the article to my attention!) 

Valentine's Day - revisited

This is the portion of the show where the author falls on her sword...

Stacy, I over-reacted and read some things into your response. Got defensive, I did.    You have always been straight up with me ( it WAS rather 'its all in your head'..which is what I saw as a bit harsh)- and I should know by now to filter by what I know your intentions to be.  Still, I was concerned that it seems like I'd given the idea that there was any materialistic bent to my comments... because I was sure you knew me better than that! :)  And OF COURSE I know its about how I view things... you KNOW I know that.  I just didn't want to in the moment. 

Another friend made a comment about my hating Valentine's Day... so I guess I DID come off sounding kind of pissed off at the Hallmark Holiday and feeling sorry for myself.  Sooo... I will take a moment here and clarify... I DO NOT HATE VALENTINE'S DAY.  I went off on a rant because I was wallowing for a minute... that's all.  Seriously folks, nothing to see here. :) 

I wasn't bothered before nor during the day - it passed with no fanfare or trauma.   I did have a couple of lovely surprises... friends Diana and Brian and their children dropped by Sunday night to visit and bring me flowers and home made Valentimes (they are on the fridge).  And tonight I got TWO belated V-Day treats... a lovely card/gift from my daughter and another friend brought me low-fat ice cream sandwiches (YUM!). 

On Saturday I went to a movie and early dinner with my soon-to-be-leaving-New-Jersey friend.  We saw - drum roll please - Valentine's Day.  An all-star cast...  it was cute.  Not astonishing, no great special effects, nothing learned...just a cute rom-com with lots and lots of eye-candy.  Ashton Kutcher is pretty darn cute...McDreamy and McSteamy - can't go wrong there... and Bradley what's-his-face (Hollywood flavor of the month).  All in all, very nice.  And the women weren't bad either.  LOL It had a little bit of everything... cheating, lying, healing, realizing you love your best friend, unexpected romance... all good.

And then we had an early dinner at Outback Steakhouse.  Mmm- steak.  Phyllis leaves at the end of the month to return to Boise... so I was happy to have some time with her. 

And for the rest of the weekend... I read, read, read, read and read. Hehehe... finished up my REAL book and read TWO eBooks on the Nook.  Not a bad weekend at all. :)

Got Nook?

No... not that kind of nookie...lol 

The Barnes and Noble Nook (eReader).  I've been toting around gift cards from Christmas from various friends and family members WAITING for this thing to be available.  And today my gf and I went to B&N to order it "in store" as  Sherry called Customer Service this morning and they reported that none were available in our area...unless we wanted to drive to Staten Island.  Um.. no. 

We go to the customer service booth and ask how we order one... to which the perkly little girl says "oh, you don't need to order them, we have them in stock."  WHAT?!?!?!?!?  Whoo hoo!  We were like giddy little school girls.  So now I have a Nook... a place to store electronic versions of books reather than buy piles and piles... I expect to find it especially nice when flying somewhere!  And its sooooo pretty. 

I'm still playing with it and learning how it works... too bad I have a REAL book to finish before I can start to read the ones I've downloaded thus far. 

Me... my Nook... Happy Valentine's Day to ME!!!!!! 

Love, Me. 

Lessons at the Knee of My Mama

Life lessons start early... and lately I've been thinking about some of the things that I remember learning from my mother...so I thought I would dedicate this one to her and recount a few of them. In no particular order or importance... and at best, random...

What Should I Be When I Grow Up?
As children/teens (even adults!) most of us have had conversations with parents about "what should I do when I grow up"... oh, we all have ideas... sports stars, fireman, teachers, movie stars, pilots, doctors, nurses.  I don't remember WHY it came up I only remember the advice. She said "whatever you do, make sure it suits your soul.  If it doesn't, you'll be miserable." I've always remembered that and employed it when determining what to focus on in school... I always ALWAYS wanted to be a teacher... and as a child, I thought I'd teach grade school.  As an adult, I realized that I did not want to do that... and that I still really liked teaching and was good at it.  I learned that I am an awesome trainer of adults - its a completely different dynamic than teaching a child.  Teaching adults... technical training to be specific... is what "suits my soul". 

Roger Thorpe
I don't know how old I was when this happened, had to be grade school.  I was home from school (sick?) and was helping Mom fold clothes while we watcher TV.  Her soap of choice was the now dimmed Guiding Light (the only one I really ever followed too).  A man came on the screen and she turned to me and said "THAT is a snake... when you meet one, run the other direction".  That snake was Roger Thorpe, a charming, sneaky, handsome man that wreaked havoc on the show.  I remembered that... and sadly, did not run when I met some.  There's a reason men like that do well... their behavior works for them, they are darn near irresitable. LOL  *sigh*  Shoulda listened, yes, I know.

"Please excuse Rieda..."
Sometimes skipping school in order to spend the day with your mom...is ok. As long as you aren't missing tests and are generally a decent student.  My mom went back to college to get her RN when Roxie was in grade school.  Occassionally, as we were all getting ready for school, she would suggest that I skip school (no tests?) and go to school with her and then we'd go have lunch or go shopping in Spokane.  I loved those days and no lasting damage was done ( I have a Masters degree for pity's sake...it didn't scar me or turn me into a ner-do-well). 

The Big Picture
I think she got this from John Davis... or maybe President Welch... can't remember.  But I do remember being a bit of a drama queen... and I would positively stew over things...and then I'd be tortured (especially if it was about a boy).  I must have been over the top one day when she asked me something to the effect of "In the big picture, the expanse of eternity... will this matter?  will it change who you are and what you will be?"  Well... when you put it THAT way... hrrmpft.  If the answer is no, then LET. IT. GO.  Not much of the daily minutia really matters when its compared to the eternities, does it?  It taught me to try not to give my energy to the things that don't matter and focus on the things that do.

You Can Do It
At no point in my childhood did I expect to be a single parent. 

And my mother was so NOT happy when I told them I was pregnant (dad either).  However, from the moment I made the decision to stay in SLC (lots of prayer involved there!) I knew that I would be ok.  I told them how I had come to my decision and that was that.  All through my life my parents had been encouraging me... I could do anything I set my mind to.  And while not a smoothe period of my life, they quickly came to terms with my decision and were supportive in whatever manner I needed. 

There were concerns that I would never finish school... ha! I repeat... Masters Degree.  I could have wallowed and been a victim of my choices... but that's not how I was raised.  My parents, my grandparents... they all had many more challenges than I was facing... and their example made it clear that I came from good stock on all sides.  The lessons here?  A lifetime of parents teaching life skills... cooking (chicken and rice, tuna casserole, stew, pot roast, pasta chuta... all staples), babysitting (how many kids did she babysit when we were growing up?), sewing, housekeeping (altho like most I have no affinity for it), problem solving, and self-reliance.

Having been raised that way...oldest daughter and all that... being pregnant at 21 did not end my life. I was prepared to be a mother - even if it wasn't in ideal circumstances.  And the choice to stay in SLC with my family rather than return to DC?  The biggest lesson... trust that the Lord will guide you and take care of you.  (sadly I forgot that for a time... much better now).  Its true what they say, at least for me, raise a child up in the gospel and if they stray, they will return. 

My mother listened to the Spirit without questioning... with one exception (bike wreck, Catholic Church wall, hole in leg... scraped up from here to breakfast) ...lol  She didn't usually know why, she just KNEW. 

Self-esteem
One thing that I think has always pained my mother was my low self-esteem... she never understood how that happened.  I don't remember my parents being dismissive or doing things that told me I was unimportant to them.  As a matter of fact, they were forever telling me how smart I was, how beautiful and that they loved me.  So how did I end up thinking so poorly of myself?  Alright.. so I had brothers who were ruthless in their teasing (Chubs? Bucky?... did NOT help... and you are forgiven). The point is my parents were not at the core of my troubles... it really was all about boys...stupid, foolish, teenage boys and the foolish, hystrionic, teenage girl that wanted one to like her. 

One of the great loves of my life was a man that was 16 years older than I.  We were talking one day about high school and I was telling him that I had NO boyfriends at all and no one (boy) ever liked me... and that it was painful.  He said to me "if I'd known you then, I'd have told you you were beautiful"... to which I gently replied "honey, you were a grown up, I wouldn't have cared what you thought"  LOL  And its true... many an adult gave me praise and love... and it still didn't take the place of having the attention of a boy.  Sad, I know... but that's where it started. 

NOT with the mom or the dad.  I always knew they loved me and thought I was the cat's pajamas.  I never questioned it.  Peace be with you, Mom, it wasn't anything you did or did not do.  :)

Travel is Good
My mother started travelling internationally (with her mother) when I was in 7th grade. She and my grandmother (and my father to a degree) have a travel bug.  I have it... thanks to my trip to Italy with said grandmother.  And its not just the joy of travelling... its the history to be found there! 

Buy Name Brand
Buy the good stuff whenever you can afford it. 

Ok... that's all I can come up with now... its impossible to REALLY capture all the lessons learned at the knees of my parents... these are just a few. 

Groundhogs, Hearts, & Chocolate

Welcome to February! 

Groundhogs:
Six more weeks of winter... so sayeth  the groundhog Phil!  As long as its over by April 1st, I'm good!  On April 1st my daughter, Anna (blog decor darling) and my niece, Shannon  (oldest of the blondies) will fly in to Philly for a visit!  wOOt!  I cannot wait!  They will be my first visitors on the east coast!  They will fly in on Thursday and leave Monday afternoon.  So there's a lot to cram in to a few days... and I'll be happy just to be with them.  Its Shannon's first plane trip ever and Anna's first with connections (she freaked for a minute...lol). 

Hearts
Ah... Valentine's Day.  The single woman's least favorite holiday. There is no greater reminder that you are alone than on this day.  While Anna was growing up I could fake it and make my darling daughter my Valentine... well, until the brat went and got one of her own. LOL  I think I actually give it more energy BEFORE the day than ON the day... so I work at not getting down in the dumps.  And folks, no matter what any (always married) friend says, it DOES fling into the face the fact that I am alone. I know the intentions are good and sincere... just not helpful.  That said, I do not begrudge anyone else their sweetheart... that would just be mean.  Celebrate your love, be grateful for each other, and enjoy the day that's meant for love! 

Chocolate
Ok... I know I'm in the minority because I can do without chocolate.  Which is a good thing since February is the month of hearts AND CHOCOLATE.  Lucky for me my drug of choice if not chocolate.  What is?  not the point.  lol   Don't get me wrong... there's some good stuff out there... and I have been know to dabble... Reeses Peanut Butter Anything (hearts, trees, eggs... the holiday treats), chocolate covered nuts, caramels... all very yummy.  And easier for me to say no to than, say, Diet Coke.  If I belonged to a religion that gave things up for Lent it would have to be Diet Coke... *whew*

Snow
I recently had a conversation with a friend at work that is a skier... I used to ski... I LOVED it and I was pretty good.  Pretty good being defined as being able to go all day without wiping out.  My first experience was night skiing at Lookout Pass on the border of Idaho and Montana (I think technically its Idaho).  My father and my brother taught me...I remember starting with the tow rope... and then graduating to the pomma (sp). I think my dad wanted to make sure I was serious because it was the NEXT year that he put me in lessons.  Two years of lessons on the hill and I LOVED LOVED LOVED it.  I was frozen to the bone at the day and I didn't care (altho I probably complained). 

My favorite ski memory was the day my dad pulled me out of school.  I was in 6th grade.  I was in class and got a note from the office saying my father was coming to get me because I was needed at home.  I can't remember if they said she was hurt or if I just started to make things up in my head (ah... that might be where it started).  So by the time he got there to pick me up I was terrified my mother was lying bleeding and broken at the bottom of the stairs.  We were in the car driving home and I probably started to cry and he lightly punched me in the arm and said "your mom is fine, we're going skiing"  LOL  That was the first time I ever skied at Silverhorn.  It was also the year that I got my first pair of skis with brakes rather than straps.  We were riding up the chair lift (not the first run or I'd have freaked!) and I was swinging my skis back and forth... and clicked them together and WHOMP... one of my skis falls off and goes falling to the ground. So here I am, on the chairlift, panicing because how the heck do I GET OFF the chair with one ski????  The operators stopped the chair so I could get off and a kindly soul brought me the ski.  Believe you me, I NEVER clicked my skis together again.  Lesson learned. 

Don't you wish all lessons were that simple to learn?  lol

Weight Watchers

Last spring/summer a friend and I joined Weight Watchers.  It was my THIRD time... the last being 5 years ago or so.  In two months I lost 15 lbs.  I was thrilled.  And by the end of the third month I had hit a particularly difficult financial time and lost my excitement for the program... so I stopped going.  By November, I had gained back all that I had lost (drat).  So, I promised myself that I would join up again after the holidays... the financial issue had lessened and the holiday travel would be over. 

So, the first week in January I joined again (with two friends this time).  Its going well and I'm pleased with the loss thus far.  What I find interesting is that I don't have the same excitement for the program that I've had in the past.  Maybe its because it winter?  Not knowing.  And its still working, so I won't worry... and will keep plugging along. 

To help in my efforts I, with not a small amount of skepticism, bought the Slim Quick 7 day cleanse...which they advertise as a "jump start"... so I've been doing that this week.  While I don't know what its done for me weight loss wise, I will admit that I feel better... not nearly as tired or just... blech... that I have for who knows how long.  Its not just meant to clear out...well, you know... its also meant to clean out toxins in your body.  Is that why I feel better?  Again... not knowing.  So, not a lost cause, we'll see how things go at the weigh in on Monday.

Why lose weight.  Its said that you have to understand your motives when making significant changes in your life.  So why?  The answers? 

1. The obvious things...
• I feel better
• I have more energy
• Health risks decrease
• Clothing fits better (and I can buy cuter clothes!)
2. The less obvious things (unless you know me really well)
• I'm really vain and I don't see the same person in the mirror that I do in pictures (mirror is better)
• I never want to worry about whether the seat belt on a plane will close without an extender. (sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't...depends on the airline)
• I like turning heads... its been awhile and if I remember correctly, I used to attract a decent amount of attention (I'm single... attention and flirting are ok!!!)
• I'm tired of thinking I'm taking up too much room.  Not much feels worse than being on a bus or train and no one wanting to sit next to me. 
• My professional credibility will increase... as much as I hate to admit it. 

That's just a few things on my mind about my motives, some practical, some totally shallow... about why I'm willing to pay for this program and why I'm determined to make progress!  It took many, many years to gain the weight and I know it won't come off as quickly as I'd like (tomorrow?).  Its ok... I'm striving to be...and do... better. 

Welcome to the Year of Being Right.

First... props to the daughter and my cute new blog decor.  LOVE it! 

Ok... in a marathon conversation with beloved Stacy tonight we were talking about some of the memorable "ah-ha" moments of the last year.  And for me, one of the biggest one that has had a life-long impact on my life was a ridiculous decision-cum-reality that I made when I was TWELVE... yes.. 1...2...that boys would always leave and no one would ever love me enough to marry me.  (I learned this by re-reading my journals from when I was a teenager) 

OY!  Little girl, whatever did you do to yourself????  Well, I made that decision (completely forgiven, BTW) as a young, hormone driven, pre-teen... undoubtedly because some boy didn't smile at me on the bus... and then spent the next... er... "many years"... making sure I was right! 

Since I'm not aiming to make this blog about my sad, sad love life... wait, if its sad and its in the vast void of emptiness... is it still sad and does anyone know?  Bah... another time.  Anyway, I don't want this to be about THAT issue as much as "What am going to be 'right' about this year?"  So, rather than any resolutions for the new year, the new decade I'd going to focus on what I can be right about. 

And since the FIRST thing that comes to mind is the thought that I'm going to go to bed at a more reasonable hour... this is good night.  Its 11:30 and its more reasonable to go to bed NOW than at midnight.  Stay tuned, folks... (in my best Terminator voice)  I'll be back.  And think about it... what do YOU want to be right about this year?