2011 MIDPOINT

I have to say that the first half of 2011 has not been my best six months... nothing seriously wrong, I've just been... off.  Seems like a long time to be off, doesn't it? Yep...agreed.  I know people have noticed and some brave souls have said something, but its really something I just had to work through.  I can't give any specific explanation, and it really isn't important at this point anyway, other than its true what they say, hindsight is 20/20. 

In the area of friendship, I've experienced some strange things lately, things I don't think I even went through when I was a teenager...and it was eye opening.  So, these are my 'take aways' from the whole debacle...

a) Friendships that take off when I am really lonely...not likely to be healthy or good for me.  I can see that for me, it was nice to be needed (daily, like in person, here in Jersey)... no one really needs me anymore and I feel rather rudderless.  So, this friendship had a false sense of intimacy based on MY need to be needed.  But, it wasn't just being needed, she was single and someone to hang out with and do things I've missed, like going dancing.  And we had a great time when we did that kind of stuff.  However, the friendship was shortlived and not without its derrrrama! 

b) Speaking of drama... I DON'T LIKE IT!  Holy crap...and folks, I do mean crap!  This friendship wasn't particularly drama filled until the end but her life was... there was ALWAYS something... if it wasn't the ex, it was the kids, or work, or mother, or sister, or pregnant niece, or nephew who passed 7 years ago, or money, or any number of other things... exhausting.  Oh...wait!  I forgot about the other friends!  OMG... beating up their children, fighting with their men, fighting with my friend, borrowing money....oy, oy, oy! 

I am not saying any one of those things can't be a challenge... and crappy things happen to people, I get that... but ALL.THE.TIME? Really?  I was reminded how some people embrace the drama, they love it...or if not love, at least need it.  I was also reminded how easy it was to get sucked in. 

I was also reminded why I avoid it... not just because I don't like it but because its not consistent with who I am.  If you don't know, I'm really big on personal responsibility and people taking a proactive approach for their own lives.  That's why I don't blame people for my own stuff... it always comes back to me and my choices and the consequences for those choices...and figuring out how to move forward.  Whining incessantly, bemoaning the state of affairs, and blaming everyone else.... not helpful in my opinion. 

I am particularly frustrated when people live in the past. Frustrated because I know how much it can hold someone back, and the furture generally IS brighter, if we let it be.   Crappy things happened in the past, I get that... find a way to make a measure of peace with those events (especially with the passing of loved ones), forgive people (including yourself), and move forward.  PLEASE.  

I realize in myself, I take it too far.   I am especially guilty of not asking for help when I should, because I'm trying to take care of things on my own... there has to be a balance. Its possible to hold yourself accountable for your own life and still accept help when its needed. In May, when I had to have a surgical biopsy, I had to allow others to help me - in whatever fashion they could. (And they were awesome, BTW!)

Please note... I am not suggesting I am the master, merely a student who continues to try to do better...just call me Grasshopper.

c) When my gut tells me a friend is lying...I have to believe it.  I hated believing it, but it ultimately became unavoidable.  And then I had to take a look at WHY I was loathe to believe she had lied and betrayed me... and it was about not wanting to be lonely again. Not a good enough reason, folks... not for me. 

d) When a man tells me he's shit... I'm gonna believe him.  And that's all I'm sayin'....lol  No, wait, I'll add one more thing... girls, its beyond skeezy to try and get with someone that a friend has been involved with... even if its his suggestion.  Just. Say. No.

e) As this friendship drew to a close I was amazed at how much better I felt.... thereby confirming the 'rightness' of the decision.  I hadn't realized how much it was affecting me.  So even though I'm left without anyone with whom to do 'single girl' things, its ok. 

Lest you think that crap is all that has been going on... not true. 

My biopsy, while a huge pain in the drain, came out fine, no cancer.  Mammogram again in October and barring any new issues, another six months later and back to yearly.  I thought of my dearly departed friend Susan and am reminded of her strength as she dealt with breast cancer not once, but  THREE separate times. 

In June, my wonderful friend Michelle came to visit me... she treated me to a a Broadway show, Wicked, and we had a great weekend!  I am amazed at her strength and determination and I needed a weekend like that to shore me up!  "Never apologize for talent!"

I am still in New Jersey... I KNOW!  Not for lack of effort on my part, I'm checking jobs and applying.  I'd still like to get further west...not back to Utah (sorry folks) but closer to home.  I'd really love to be in Sacramento. Would still love Texas... and when it breaks open, I'll be in line.  But as for now, nothing is happening.  So in the meantime, my job is going very well and I'm learning as much as I can.  I really, really enjoy the people I work with...and the work itself... so I am ok.  And there has to be a reason I am still here...just waiting for universe to show me what it is.  lol

I didn't get home for my annual summer visit this year and I was kinda crabby about that for awhile... until I realized that was WHY I was crabby.  I miss seeing my family and going fishing with my dad.  I will have to take a raincheck for next year! 

In sum, I'm still here...bopping along, generally happy, trying to laugh at the small stuff and let things fall out as they should... as long as I am doing my part, then I'm not just letting life happen TO me.  The rest is out of my hands and in hands far larger and smarter than mine. 

Fin!