Readers Beware! A Reflective Post...

In case you ever wonder WHY so many of my thoughts are about romantic love it is because it's the only thing missing in my life!  I have a fabulous child, a great career, good friends, and a nice life.  But I'm alone... at the end of the day, its just me.  And someday I'd like it to NOT be just me... so I think about it sometimes, and it comes through in these posts.  I appreciate your tolerance... :)

In Chapter 2 of the Soulmate Secret author Arielle Ford addresses readiness; readiness for having your soulmate arrive!  She discusses the importance of 'preparing' the soil and 'weeding the garden of our hearts, bodies, and minds' before we can really be ready to receive new love.  When I read this book many months...a year?...ago, I went through all of the exercises and tools she proposed.  And I it helped a lot, not with everything in one fell swoop, but it was a great beginning!  

In my opinion, this chapter is all about gettin' rid of baggage!  Good baggage, bad baggage, cheap baggage... it all gets in the way if we...I... want to manifest (aka visualization, attract) my soulmate. I've always had a weird feeling that we've already met, and maybe we've already had a shot and it failed for whatever reason...that time.  So I will trust that IF that is true, that the Universe will give us another shot. 

Whether we've already met, or have yet to meet...doesn't really matter and that's not really what this post is about. It's about the readiness.  So, lets get started! :)  These are the questions she asks...

#1... Is there someone I'm still in love with? (ok, I'd never have written the sentence that way)

Three weeks ago, I would have said no without hesitation.  In the last year I FINALLY managed to let go of THE block, so I figured I was good. But then... Anna's dad popped up.  STOP... this is a GOOD GOOD thing!  For Anna, for him, for me... and not because we're going to be some happy little family (altho that idea was appealing) but because there were things that needed to be said.  So I'm going to rephrase this question...

Are there feelings left from a past love that need to be acknowledged and addressed?  

Yup... didn't even know they were there, they'd been packed away for more than 20 years, with a layer of dust so thick that I didn't know they were still there!  But in the last couple of weeks, at least for me, we've talked things out...got a little caught up in the feelings... cried a bit, processed a lot, and am coming out on the other side...feeling free-er. 

I had thought for a long time that the core of many of my relationship decisions and mistakes stemmed from the way our relationship ended.  I never thought there'd be a chance to address the situation because I only had one side, mine, and time had colored some things.  So, to hear his side, to realize just how many crazy and stupid misunderstandings there were, things said in a reaction to hurt, and all of the things that followed.  I was totally open to seeing if we had a second shot, that would have been cool.  And not JUST because he's Anna's father, he can be that without being anything but my friend.  But for us, since suddenly old, and new (for me) feelings were coming up.  Oh well... apparently not strong enough.  And that's ok.  So at least now I know...and I can 'rebuild', let go of some ways of thinking that orginated many years ago.

I'm grateful for the events of the last few weeks, they have been hard but valuable. 

#2...Is there someone I am still angry with, feel betrayed, or haven't forgiven?

Short answer...no.  I'm good. 

I spent a lot of time on this question the first time I read the book... and suspect it's also part of the reason I went into this revival of communication with Anna's father without angry feelings.  So I feel pretty good about this one... ultimately, even though it hurts, I can't make someone love me, I can't make them want to be with me, I can't make them consider me important enough to put forth an effort... and that's what I've always wanted most, so it had sucked that over and over again I've looked for those things in men that were incapable of giving it, to me at least.  Holding on to anger, hurt, and sorrow (beyond a reasonable period :)  ) is pointless and only hurts me. 

I'm grateful that this is truly a part of how I live, that I consciously work at NOT holding on to hard feelings and hurt. 

#3... Is there room in my life for another person?

Er...literally?  My apartment is teeeeeeeny... It's bursting at the seams with just me! Oh, no...that's not all she meant... lol  The question is about having the time and energy to devote to a deep, loving, committed relationship.  Oh... that.  Yes, I DO believe I have the time and energy... that's never been a problem. 

I am grateful that I haven't really let past experiences convince me that relationships aren't worth the effort. 

#4... Am I physically ready?

That's not referring to being skinny. It's referring to presentation though, being deliberate in the non-verbal messages that are being sent... and appearance impacts it all... its true, when we look good we feel good, when we feel good we are more confident.  I know that's true for me... and when I feel more confident, I attract confident people. 

The flip side of that is that we're ALWAYS attracting people, whether we feel good or not, they just may not be the kind of people we want to attract!  So basically, this question is about your...my... physical appearance being consistent with the kind of person I want to attract. 

As for what I'm doing... I'm keeping busy, not so crazy that I am in avoidance, but busy enough.  I especially am enjoying my workouts at Curves, especially the nights I do Zumba!!! And people are starting to comment that its showing, which is nice re-enforcement of my efforts (which I would continue even if no one said anything, because I feel better!!!). 

I am grateful for my increased energy and positive feelings that come from exercise and being around people that shore me up simply by being themselves.

#5... Creating Soul Space

Gotta say, this one is hard for me.  I'm a believer in being actively engaged in this pursuit... but this one wants me to be still.  Still?????  She says that readiness isn't just about releasing old loves (and all the related baggage), it's also about achieving a degree of stillness inside, I interpret that as peace.  Think about it, if there's too much going on inside, can you even HEAR your intuition? 

Oh yeah... she also says timing is everything.  Bah... I HATE that I believe that sometimes...lol But I do, totally.  There's a reason Anna's dad resurfaced when he did, why it didn't happen 6 months from now and why other interactions we've had in the past few years have been dismal at best.  And so it shall be with this too.  Soulmate shows up on anything but MY timetable.  I will continue to work on trusting that timetable.  And its not really as tortureous as it sounds...lol 

I am grateful for a firm belief that things happen for a reason and in their own time. 

Ok kids, that's chapter two of the book... if you're single, and not wanting to be (or you know someone who is), I recommend the book.  Even if you don't fully embrace the idea of manifestation, the exercises and stories she tells will probably resonate on some level. 

Birthday Week

So this is my 'birthday week'... on Thursday I get a year older.  While I have no seriously exciting plans, my week has started off with a bang. 

Today I spent the day on a service project with my church... yep, on SUNDAY.  It is unusual for the LDS Church to cancel meetings but for this project, arrangements were made to do just that.  Ok, we had a brief Sacrament Meeting at 8 AM (yes, 8 AM) but that was it.  For those who don't know, we usually have three hours of meetings, so this is a significant point.   Before we left the building, we were teamed up into groups of 10.

Part of our team...

I'm not an uber spiritual gal, nor a complete pagan either... so imagine my surprise when I walked into the chapel and looked at those gathered SO early, all dressed for work (jeans and workboots in the chapel? It felt very decadent...lol) and willing to give of themselves and their time.  It was one of the few times that I have been...overwhelmed.  We (Christians in general) are taught to be Christ like, to take care of each other, even strangers... and I gained a new level of understanding of this principle today.  And it moved me to tears.  

We arrived at the chapel where the entire project was meeting and HUNDREDS of people were there, even some from New York in to help!  Our task? To provide help to people around north Jersey that were still struggling with the damage caused by Hurricane Irene and Tropical Storm Lee (they had asked for help).

Our team was awesome!  To be fair, I was the newbie, most of them had participated last weekend, some of them on the same team.  The whole experience brought back a feeling from my childhood... I was fortunate to have grown up in a place where helping your neighbor was just what you do... church or no, its about community and taking care of each other. 

We went to two houses... and mucked out basements.  Three + weeks after the storms and the water damage is still obvious (beyond the smell). The water marks...and mold... showed how far the water had come. The father of the woman who owned the house was with us, the house without power or water.  The water mark was a good three feet above ground... ABOVE ground.  What do you think happened to the basement... that's right!  FILLED UP. Seeped through the floors of the first floor.  Everything had to come out... lifetimes of memories, toys, clothes, books, paperwork... not to mention the actual furniture and cabinets that had to be torn out.

The father reminded me a lot of my own father... especially when he shared with us that he'd begged his daughter and her family to come to his home the night before (they insisted on staying) and now has welcome her family of five into his(and wife) home...indefinitely... he's totally ok with it. 

The second home was mostly just hauling things out of the basement.  The owner was there, and frankly, she looked a little shell shocked still.  I would not be surprised to find that she, and others, haven't been able to start on the recovery because they just don't know where to start.  We were happy to help her get past that hump.

Its amazing what a team of 10 can accomplish in a short time when they work together!  Our hearts went out to not only the families we served, but the homes we passed where piles and piles of damage were laid on their curbs.  I can't imagine how hard its been for them.  I am most grateful that my home  and so many the homes of those I care about fared well. 

In the words of one of the hymns from this morning's meeting...

Because I have been given much, I too must give;
Because of thy great bounty, Lord, each day I live;
I shall divide my gifts from thee
With every brother that I see
Who has the need of help from me.

Because I have been sheltered, fed by thy good care,
I cannot see another’s lack and I not share
My glowing fire, my loaf of bread,
My roof’s safe shelter overhead,
That he too may be comforted.

Because I have been blessed by thy great love, dear Lord,
I’ll share thy love again, according to thy word.
I shall give love to those in need;
I’ll show that love by word and deed:
Thus shall my thanks be thanks indeed.

-- Grace Nowell Crowell

2011 MIDPOINT

I have to say that the first half of 2011 has not been my best six months... nothing seriously wrong, I've just been... off.  Seems like a long time to be off, doesn't it? Yep...agreed.  I know people have noticed and some brave souls have said something, but its really something I just had to work through.  I can't give any specific explanation, and it really isn't important at this point anyway, other than its true what they say, hindsight is 20/20. 

In the area of friendship, I've experienced some strange things lately, things I don't think I even went through when I was a teenager...and it was eye opening.  So, these are my 'take aways' from the whole debacle...

a) Friendships that take off when I am really lonely...not likely to be healthy or good for me.  I can see that for me, it was nice to be needed (daily, like in person, here in Jersey)... no one really needs me anymore and I feel rather rudderless.  So, this friendship had a false sense of intimacy based on MY need to be needed.  But, it wasn't just being needed, she was single and someone to hang out with and do things I've missed, like going dancing.  And we had a great time when we did that kind of stuff.  However, the friendship was shortlived and not without its derrrrama! 

b) Speaking of drama... I DON'T LIKE IT!  Holy crap...and folks, I do mean crap!  This friendship wasn't particularly drama filled until the end but her life was... there was ALWAYS something... if it wasn't the ex, it was the kids, or work, or mother, or sister, or pregnant niece, or nephew who passed 7 years ago, or money, or any number of other things... exhausting.  Oh...wait!  I forgot about the other friends!  OMG... beating up their children, fighting with their men, fighting with my friend, borrowing money....oy, oy, oy! 

I am not saying any one of those things can't be a challenge... and crappy things happen to people, I get that... but ALL.THE.TIME? Really?  I was reminded how some people embrace the drama, they love it...or if not love, at least need it.  I was also reminded how easy it was to get sucked in. 

I was also reminded why I avoid it... not just because I don't like it but because its not consistent with who I am.  If you don't know, I'm really big on personal responsibility and people taking a proactive approach for their own lives.  That's why I don't blame people for my own stuff... it always comes back to me and my choices and the consequences for those choices...and figuring out how to move forward.  Whining incessantly, bemoaning the state of affairs, and blaming everyone else.... not helpful in my opinion. 

I am particularly frustrated when people live in the past. Frustrated because I know how much it can hold someone back, and the furture generally IS brighter, if we let it be.   Crappy things happened in the past, I get that... find a way to make a measure of peace with those events (especially with the passing of loved ones), forgive people (including yourself), and move forward.  PLEASE.  

I realize in myself, I take it too far.   I am especially guilty of not asking for help when I should, because I'm trying to take care of things on my own... there has to be a balance. Its possible to hold yourself accountable for your own life and still accept help when its needed. In May, when I had to have a surgical biopsy, I had to allow others to help me - in whatever fashion they could. (And they were awesome, BTW!)

Please note... I am not suggesting I am the master, merely a student who continues to try to do better...just call me Grasshopper.

c) When my gut tells me a friend is lying...I have to believe it.  I hated believing it, but it ultimately became unavoidable.  And then I had to take a look at WHY I was loathe to believe she had lied and betrayed me... and it was about not wanting to be lonely again. Not a good enough reason, folks... not for me. 

d) When a man tells me he's shit... I'm gonna believe him.  And that's all I'm sayin'....lol  No, wait, I'll add one more thing... girls, its beyond skeezy to try and get with someone that a friend has been involved with... even if its his suggestion.  Just. Say. No.

e) As this friendship drew to a close I was amazed at how much better I felt.... thereby confirming the 'rightness' of the decision.  I hadn't realized how much it was affecting me.  So even though I'm left without anyone with whom to do 'single girl' things, its ok. 

Lest you think that crap is all that has been going on... not true. 

My biopsy, while a huge pain in the drain, came out fine, no cancer.  Mammogram again in October and barring any new issues, another six months later and back to yearly.  I thought of my dearly departed friend Susan and am reminded of her strength as she dealt with breast cancer not once, but  THREE separate times. 

In June, my wonderful friend Michelle came to visit me... she treated me to a a Broadway show, Wicked, and we had a great weekend!  I am amazed at her strength and determination and I needed a weekend like that to shore me up!  "Never apologize for talent!"

I am still in New Jersey... I KNOW!  Not for lack of effort on my part, I'm checking jobs and applying.  I'd still like to get further west...not back to Utah (sorry folks) but closer to home.  I'd really love to be in Sacramento. Would still love Texas... and when it breaks open, I'll be in line.  But as for now, nothing is happening.  So in the meantime, my job is going very well and I'm learning as much as I can.  I really, really enjoy the people I work with...and the work itself... so I am ok.  And there has to be a reason I am still here...just waiting for universe to show me what it is.  lol

I didn't get home for my annual summer visit this year and I was kinda crabby about that for awhile... until I realized that was WHY I was crabby.  I miss seeing my family and going fishing with my dad.  I will have to take a raincheck for next year! 

In sum, I'm still here...bopping along, generally happy, trying to laugh at the small stuff and let things fall out as they should... as long as I am doing my part, then I'm not just letting life happen TO me.  The rest is out of my hands and in hands far larger and smarter than mine. 

Fin!

Thank Goodness its Saturday!

That means that tomorrow is a new week... that's a good thing because this last one has been...well... crap.  Partly because I have been sick and partly because I've had a crap attitude this week, caused by increased frustration over work stuff and the fuzziness of the future. Its been a long time since I've felt this discouraged... maybe my defenses were down because of the 'sick'.  Oh wait...lets add PMS to that too. THAT explains it!  lol

The sick... still tired, not much energy so I'm not much fun.  Can't talk much without having coughing fits....the kind that give you headaches.  Still not bad, all things considered. 

We had a huge snow storm this week... at least 12 inches... it was a mess.  While work was technically delayed until noon on Thursday, I was at my office by 9:30, which was pretty good given I had to dig out my truck.  I was grateful that I only live 4 miles away from the office.  By the time I got to work I was wet and frozen and tired... and still sick.  This was what I woke up to that morning....

Work...well, since this is a public forum, lets just leave it at being frustated by some things we are doing that just seem to be pointless... vague enough?  lol  All of THAT wouldn't be nearly as hard to deal with if those these weren't keeping me from doing more important tasks.

Anyway, last night I was pondering why I was so freakin' crabby... even with PMS this was pretty bad for me.  And I was determined to wake up in a better mood.  Something weird even occurred to me, because I feel like I've been eating non-stop all week. 

Emotional eating... I've always thought of it as eating when you're heartbroken, lonely, sad or some other sorrowful emotion... we're sad, so we eat to fill the void, try and pacify the emptiness...insert whatever description works.  But I never thought of food as a punishment... but somehow, I think that's what I've been doing... weird, I know... but as soon as the thought hit my brain, it resonated with me. So I'm still trying to figure out what the heck I'd be punishing myself for, but it certainly describes my relationship with food... contentious.  Well, that's dumb.  So today when I went grocery shopping, I picked up some things I needed and a couple of things I just wanted.  And I've been focusing on eating what I want rather than running the tape in my head of what I should and should not eat... and you probably wouldn't be surprised to learn that I still make the same choices, just with a better attitude.  lol  And I don't feel crabby. 

I also go my hair cut today... I've been growing it out for over a year and half and it was pretty long, for me.  But now the length is back up a few inches and it sure feels nice!  What a good splurge today!  And a nice pick-me-up after a long hard week.  When the stylist asked me if I wanted a wash, I said yes, not because I needed the wash but because I needed the scalp MASSAGE!  Nice! 

So, the end of January is here and I'm glad to see it go.  Its not been a BAD month, just long and tiring.  I don't know that February will be any different, but at least its not January! 

My "Things to Do When I Move to a New Place" list...

Anyone that reads this knows that I work as a consultant - its a new gig and I expect I will move on to a new project soon.  With that in mind, I have a list in my head of things I want for a new place... (the waiting is partly due to money, partly due to lack of storage in my current place, and partly because they are things to look forward to in the name of 'starting anew'.) None of these things are things I need at the moment, so there is no deprivation.  :)

There are requirements for the new apartment too... these are the things that will be different from my current place...

• An open floor plan with a kitchen I like...which means counter space and more than one drawer!
• A freakin' linen closet
• Two bedrooms
• Storage... that means more than two closets.

And here's the list...

1. A cat.   
2. A KitchenAid mixer.  I will pass on the sausage making attachment. 
3. Restock my bathroom linens!  Ask my daughter, I had a massive collection of towels and shower curtains and would rotate them depending on the season.  Sadly, with each move, I have gotten rid of more and more (back to the storage problem) and I have 12 towels and ONE shower curtain.  I KNOW!  Right?!? 
4. Ditto on bed linens... high thread count, of course :)  And with two bedrooms...its twice the fun!  wOOt! 
5. A real table and chairs.

These are the recurring things... more will come, I'm sure.  :)  And its fun to think about!