Lost Friends

Many years ago I lost a dear friend to cancer.  Sadly enough, she was the first of many.

Karalee was a pistol, she was audacious and ballsy.  I met her when I was 19. I was in college and she was a married mom with two young daughters.  We worked, along with many other fabulous women, for a retail store in a local mall.  Over the course of many years we became the group known as the "LB Gang".  She introduced me to many things as a young adult... and a young mother.  My daughter had 'look' Barbies and 'play' Barbies because if her...lol  She took me to Vegas for the first time (nope, I wasn't legal).  And she and one of the other girls were who I used to go dancing with all the time... at the great indulgence of her husband. 

In January 1995, I was working a part time job (in addition to my FT job) at the mall (different store) when called to tell me she had a brain tumor... I didn't think it was very funny.  Neither did the doctors.  The operated immediately and by the grace of God she recovered well.  It was 18 months later that she and I were sitting on her patio and she told me the cancer was back and inoperable.  I was stunned.  And once the numbness wore off, I was determined to make sure that I spent as much time with her as possible and that she knew I loved her...so every time we were together I made a point of telling her I loved her before I left.  A year later she refused to let me see her and wouldn't talk on the phone anymore... not COULDN'T... WOULDN'T.  And two months later I received a call from her husband that she had died. 

I can count on one hand the number of things that knocked me off my feet...literally, as in dropping to the floor.  Dave's phone call was one of them. 

I have been incredibly blessed in my life that until recent years I had not suffered the loss of friends or even many family members (up to that point, my grandfathers).  So, to lose a friend I loved SO much was pivotal. 

The best thing to come out of it was a new awareness of how important it is that people know they are loved.  I've been lackadaisical about it lately and have resolved to do better.  Comfortable or not, people, it needs to be said.  I think its a common thing to unexpectedly lose someone and worry that they didn't know how much you cared for them... which, IMO, adds to the grieving.  The only way to combat that is to TELL them.  If "I love you" does not come easy, and for some of us it does not, there are other ways.  Find the way that works best for you.  And BTW, I believe they know... its just one thing that helps US find peace without them. 

Losing someone always sucks... there's no way around it.  And we take as long as we take to mourn the loss.  When Dan died this summer, if you've read the entry about it you know, I was devastated.  I spoke with a good friend that is a therapist shortly after learning of his death and she asked if I wanted her to help me process the loss... and I felt, and still do, pretty good about how things were left with us... we were dear friends who loved each other.  I'm at peace with that.  I like to believe he is too.  I see flashes of him... just like I do Karalee and the others... in people or places... and while it twists my heart a little, my life was greatly blessed for having them in it. 

To quote the fabulous James Taylor song...

Better to shower the people you love with love,
Show them the way that you feel
Things are gonna be just fine if you only will.

Tis the Season...

...for Michael McLean music.

My daughter frequently defends listening to Christmas music early by citing her years as a 'choir kid' when school choirs start learning holiday music practically from the beginning of the school year.  Having been a choir kid myself, I can't argue with her!  Anyone that knows my family knows that Christmas begins early...about 10 minutes after returning from the annual trip to the pumpkin patch near my father's childhood home in southern Idaho.  For me, it begins when I identify the craft projects I need to complete for the season - generally gifts of tree skirts and/or christmas stockings... the number of which I've made since 1988 I cannot identify.  ( if YOU have a request, speak now or forever through 2010 hold your peace)

So, this year I've got only one tree skirt to make (for BFF Stacy)... and one advent calendar project to do with friend Rachael.  Not too demanding...once I get started.  These are the things that get me in the holiday spirit. And I try not to sweat over how to afford Christmas...I'm sure anyone that's thought of it (and isn't independently wealthy) has stressed over it.  Its only FIVE paychecks away!

I love all kinds of christmas music with my beloved Harry Connick Jr being a staple. Even so, some of my favorite holiday music comes from a play called 'The Forgotten Carols' by the wonderful Michael McLean.  Part of the reason I love the music so much is because my friend, Karalee, now deceased, introduced me to them.  The other part is that they are just plain wonderful.  It took many, many years before I was able to listen to the songs and NOT tear up. Now, I've been fortunate enough to see the play a few times as well, which makes it all the more special. Since the tour is limited to the West, I am grateful Anna sent me the DVD the first year it was available and I can watch it anytime.

In short, the play is about a rigid, stiff nurse sent to care for an aging 'Uncle John' during the holiday season.  She thinks Uncle John is a bit 'touched' when he tells her he's been alive for over 2000 years.  Over the course of the play, her heart softens and opens as she hears his 'forgotten' carols. While I love the entire show and all the music, there are some songs that effect me more deeply than the others.  I especially love that they are not the typical characters of which we hear for Christmas. A few of them are: (many of them are on youtube)

An overview... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUVTP64vbfI

• Let Him In:  about the innkeeper that turned away Mary and Joseph - wow, what a legacy!  Fortunately, its a positive song as it is really about letting Christ into your life.
• He Was Here: about a shepherd that slept through the angel's announcement and missed seeing the baby Jesus - a song about faith.
• I Was Not His Father: about Joseph...ever think how it would have felt to be charged to raise Jesus???
• Handel Dream: Composer Handel as an angel in heaven who couldn't hold a tune in a bucket... but was destined to provide the world with music that lives through time.

The original version of the CD/Book/Play was added to when Michael McLean added a couple of songs as a 'conclusion' and it is one of these songs that is my favorite. 'What I Need'

All I ever wanted, all I ever dreamed of, everything I hoped, and all the things I prayed for
Couldn't hold a candle to what I've been given , I've been given what I need.
A mansion on a hill, or love like in the movies, perfect little lives where no one has a problem, instead of all those things I thought I really wanted, I've been given what I need.

Even when I didn't understand, when I thought you had no heart, thank you for rejecting my demands and always giving me the better part. 

When I get frustrated with where things are in my life, I remember that someone who knows better - and when I step back and stop trying to control the way events unfold, things turn out exactly how they are supposed to. 


And because I love so many  of Michael McLean's songs, I also want to post this one for my brother... the first time I heard it, I thought of you.  I've been trying to share it with you for years and lost the CD.

I know you don't feel very special most of the time and I want you to know that -I- think you're special and I am grateful you are my brother.  I've always been impressed that you have always been one of the 'ninety and nine' while I have frequently been the lost lamb.  You don't have to be a spiritual giant to be a great man.  I love you. Happy Birthday!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bjt2w9spiwU&feature=related

Saturday Screed

Welcome Fall!  Thou art my favorite time of year!

Occassionally I am accused of being a control freak.  Yeah, I KNOW... crazy!  So I've been thinking, in a light hearted way, about those thing over which I fuss...and those I don't.  Here are a few things I came up with...feel free to add to the list.

(my daughter can confirm...or refute... the following)

• I hate open cabinets and drawers... but last night's dishes still in the sink the AM, not a problem.
• I don't care where you squeeze the toothpaste tube, but you'd better learn how to put toilet paper on the holder... the right direction.
• I don't mind driving everywhere... but don't touch my music and MY drink goes in the forward cup holder.
• If I can't see that you've been drinking milk out of the carton, I don't care...just don't leave it in the fridge empty.
• I have 'look' towels  and 'use' towels... I will show you the difference.
• If the thread count is less than 600, I don't care how good the price or cute the pattern, those sheets are not going home with me.
• Yes, I alphabetize my DVDs...what of it? 

Ok... the mindless is done. 

I went to Sam's Club today, for the first time since I was home in Utah in July.  As I walked around picking up the things on my list a few things occurred to me...some not for the first time.

Shopping at Sam's is limited for a single woman with no storage space...lol  There are a few things that I just can't bring myself to pay for at the grocery store and its worth the initial output.  But the list is short.  I like to buy things like chicken breast and pork chops and then break them up into 'individual' portions and freeze them.  Granola bars, ziploc bags, bread, and occasionally books and movies end up in my basket... but I eschew 6 packs of anything, 120 load laundry soap, and 36 rolls of paper towels... no room.  Still I like to go and wander around.

Sam's (and other warehouse stores) make the overwhelming presence of fattening, processed, never-gonna-be-good-for-you food that is prevalent in our society even more noticeable.  They outshadow the fruits an veggies and good stuff. Wow!  I briefly considered a 5 lb bag of baby carrots... but they'd go bad before I had a chance to finish them off... or my skin would turn orange from eating them all, and that would clash with my hair. 

People really do go to Sam's for dinner on a saturday... not to BUY it but to partake of the many demonstration stations throughout the store...there may have been things I would have considered buying but I couldn't tell because I could not navigagte the hordes clustered around the breaded chicken patty or quiche stations. 

On Thursday I went to my book group... and in addition to a great bunch of women, the book we read was Garlic and Sapphires by Ruth Reichl.  She was a food critic and would go out in disguise so people wouldn't fawn all over her... and my favorite aspect was all of the different characters she developed...all imbued with different personality characteristics that were parts of her, many that she did not even realize she had!  It reminded me of Lucy.

Lucy is my alter ego... back in the day I had friends who used to give men fake names when we were out... Mel and Steffie...lol  I never could do that.  I started referring to Lucy when I realize there were two distinct sides of me... Rieda is all about responsibity while Lucy was all about the fun but I think there's supposed to be a balance, right?  Oh, Lucy asserts herself occasionally and gets away with a few things... makes impulsive decisions but its Rieda that makes sure things don't get out of hand.  Ok...sometimes that is SO boring...lol 

I think Rieda and Lucy need to go on a playdate...what do you think? :)

Pray, Love, Eat

Well now... I had no idea it had been so long since I'd posted anything.  Yeesh.  Nothing major going on, just plugging along and staying the course.  All is well in the Land of Rieda - dare I mention the word h-a-p-p-y ?  Please read the following with a positive spin as that is how it is written. 

I tried many times in the last couple of years to read the book "Eat, Pray, Love".  I would pick it up... put it down, pick it up, put it down... and then I saw the movie.  Then I really wanted to see if I could finish the book.  As you would expect, the big screen version is different from the book and I was ok with that. I didn't read it like I do  my standard trashy novels... so it took a LOT longer than usual.  If you haven't seen the book, it a quest - one woman's journey to find a relationship with herself, God and the universe. Something all of us, man or woman, could use - I think.

One day I was sitting at lunch and I pulled the book out of my bag (yes, I buy handbags that are purposedly big enough to carry books) and the front cover suddenly read (its really long) "Rieda - the answer to all you want is simple... Eat...Pray...Love"  Huh...That IS pretty simple...altho in a different order of things. 

So, MY order of things is this... Pray, Love, Eat.  


Pray -

I admit that I have been lax in my prayers.  All for reasons that are based in fear.  I am extremely grateful for all that I have and I have never denied that its all by the grace of God that my life has gone so well.  I'm not saying that I haven't had my own part in it - I have - because of the talents and skills I've been blessed with. The way I learned to pray as a child was very specific... give thanks before asking... and I am pretty comfortable doing that - my life is pretty darn good and extraordinarily blessed - it always has been. 

So, I have the gratitude part down...but then comes the asking... I'm really specific when asking others, no problem there.  Its only recently that I've realize that I'm not very specific when it comes to asking for things for myself.  Then I am usually quite vague.  I've been telling myself that its simply 'turning it over'... but really, its fear.  Fear that He will just say no to anything specific because, honestly, I don't deserve it...human screw up that I am.  (Please note that I am not saying that I am RIGHT...simply where my thinking has been...so no need to tell me)

So what do I need to do in the "pray " phase?  Apply the same specificity when asking God for what I need/want that I do when I am remembering others in my prayers.  (Please note that I KNOW that He knows what I need and want... and I think sometimes He waits for me to know and to ask). And get more comfortable praying in general... I've not been as consistent as I know I can be. This is not a new thing, just one with which I've gotten out of practice.

Love -

Ever had a time in your life when you thought "wow, I should be feeling more excitement (happiness, sadness, pain, etc) and yet its just not coming to you? And then you watch a commercial with kittens and all of a sudden the tears won't stop?  NO?  Well, I have... and its a strange feeling.   Maybe its just the years piling up on me, too many years of placing my hopes and heart on people that had no interest in granting or caring for them (respectively).  I don't FEEL bitter, so I really don't think that's it.  I still love me (as a species ;)  )  I recognize that I have shut down a lot though. 

Sadly, this is not an exclusive thing about men... I have a hard time bringing up emotions with friends too... except for the odd occasion when EVERYTHING comes spewing out uncontrollably and it takes me all night to recover.

I've recently been working on an exercise to try and excise some ghosts... people that have had a grip on me that I no longer want to maintain (notice that... the grip is self-imposed, I've been maintaining).  Ok...just one 'people' really comes to mind.  Reflecting on the one caused me to reflect on others... and one thing that I was reminded of was how easily I used to love.  I fell in love at the drop of a hat... it started when I was 12 and in 8th grade and probably didn't stop until I was in my 40's.  I don't think its a bad thing - to love easily - I just need to pair it with loving wisely.  Still a work in progress on that one... and until I can choose more wisely (think the Templar Knight in the chalice room on Raiders III) I will refrain from making any choices at all - don't worry, not in a defeatest kind of way, more in a healing kind of way.  Instead, I will focus on the health of my friendships...with men.  I used to be friends with guys... a long, long time ago!

Eat -

I figure by the time I get to the point of really dealing with food that most of my issues will have resolved themselves as they are intertwined with the other two components... prayer and love.  Whatever is left will be a matter of simply shaking it a little and sweeping it out.  :)

Ah food... my relationship with food is not a unique one... its my go-to when I'm feeling sad or lonely or in need of comfort. Or bored. Mostly bored.  I'd rather have a hug or five... but those are in short supply.  Judging from my weight issues (the reason for this blog, remember?) its been my solace for a very long time.  I don't really binge and I don't really get overwhelmed by sadness or loneliness... so its mostly just habit now...and inactivity.  And since food is a necessity to live, its not like I can go cold turkey.  So, I watch what I eat and just as importantly WHEN I eat.  I'm grateful for the changes I've already made in this area... there is more work to be done.

I continue to go to Weight Watchers... I've plateaued for the last couple of months... and its been very discouraging.  Ok, maybe one of those months I stopped caring.  And now I'm back on track.  For the first time in many weeks I had a nice loss (yay me!)... and I'm hoping its means I'm on the other side of the plateau. 

I have an exercise bike a girlfriend gave me and I gaze at it fondly...while it collects dust.  Actually, when I first got it, I was all gung ho...until my neighbor underneath me started pounding on the ceiling...I'm still not sure why but I haven't quite gotten to wanting to ride it before 9:00. I keep thinking 'well, if its that early, just go for a walk'  I'd rather walk anyway - but we seem to have gone from hot hot hot to cold rain cold temps here in NJ... blech. 

So what do I need to do for this topic?  Truly...just stay the course and move more.  Keep doing what I'm doing and it will come off... very, very slowly.  I have a goal in mind to reach before Thanksgiving... its another 10 lbs away.

Birthday

I had a birthday a couple of weeks ago... 44 years old...how did that happen?  I still feel young...so it must needs be that I am!  My gift to myself was to attend a Creative Visualization class on my bday.  I had hoped for...nay, expected...something new and was disappointed.  Instead it was a decent review of what I'd already known and learned from my wise and learned BFF, Stacy.  It was a nice night in that my friends Tiffany and Rachael also joined me.  It was in this class that I was reminded of the need to be specific...whether in prayer or visualization. 

And that wraps up tonights entry... the goal is to be in bed by midnight...so I just might make it. :)