Look Not Behind Thee

I’ve been thinking about change. Not the kind that jingles in the bottom of your purse, rather changes we make in ourselves as individuals. Not the kind that we make so slowly that one day we look at our lives and say “crap, how did I get here?” but the ones that we consciously make to bring us BACK from that place or to an entirely NEW, better place althogether.

I was recently reading in a church magazine and article “The Best is Yet to Be” and it refers to the biblical story of the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah when Lot was commanded to take his family and escape. Lot’s Wife…I sometimes think I was she in a previous life… despite the Lord’s command to “look not behind thee”, she did… and we know what happened… Pillar-o-Salt.

The article goes on to explore a little bit about why… was is simply because she didn’t obey? If that were the case, that little girl on the front of the salt containers would be me. Did she want to go back? Possibly. Or did she look back knowing she was leaving behind parts of her life and people in her life that she would miss – even if just a little. Obviously I don’t know WHAT she was thinking when she glanced back. Was it wistful? Did she resent having to leave? Did she actually consider turning back? We won’t really know the answer to that.

I relate the story to the difficulty of change. At least it fits for me. Not that I think we’ll all turn in to pillars of salt or anything, simply that its easy to look back – even as we leave behind habits, patterns, people that we realize are not good for us – and have a moment of waffling and wonder, even for a split second, is this really what I need? Hopefully on the heels of that thought is a resounding “YES!” and we continue on a path of change.

Sometimes we DO turn back, because we aren’t ready… we aren't ready to give up things or maybe the comfort of what we know, even though its not what’s best for us (physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually… whatever)… is easier than the fear of the change. Ok… wait… I’m going to stop here and switch gears… there’s no royal “we” in this, no mouse in my pocket… it’s just me. SO let me rephrase -I- have found it easier to stay where I was than make changes… because the fear of the consequences was terrifying. I was being cowardly… I know it. And, as I’ve learned with other people, I wasn’t going to make changes until I was ready… no sooner, no later.

The changes of which I speak are related to my church. I’m not one of those people that can say “I’m spiritual” and leave it at that. My belief system is firmly grounded in LDS doctrine. I’ve always viewed it as an all or nothing sort of thing… because I knew what was expected of me as a member of the church and if I wasn’t going to DO all of that then I wasn’t going to be a hypocrite and pretend that I was. I'm not saying that was a good perspective either - just that it "was". Getting to the place where I wasn’t living according to my own belief system came in the normal way… little things become big things become huge things, conscious and unconscious decisions, waffling back and forth.

I recognize that my resistance to change was based in fear. Fear that I would spend the rest of this earthly life alone. In a recent conference address someone said “Fear and faith cannot exist together”… so, if I was SO afraid then clearly I had no faith (read: positive outlook, hope) that I would not be alone. (A moment to clarify – alone, as in single, no husband… THAT kind of alone – spare me the lectures about how I’m not really alone, that’s not what this blog is about)

Why am I always yammering on about being single? Because it’s one of two things in my life that is NOT what I want it to be and the only thing that I’ve let fear control. I’m pretty good on everything else.

The article goes on to say -

“The past is to be learned from but not lived in…And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives.”
And there’s the change… from fear to faith. It started with a realization that I HAD to get past the fear. Its not that is a contained little fear.  Fears like this, no matter the "fear of..." can spread to other parts of life, to other thinking, behaviors, attitudes that were otherwise headed in the right direction.

For me, it involved a lot of prayer and processing – and realizing that in every other aspect of my life, where I’ve NOT been afraid (beyond normal trepidation), that things always work out for the best. That’s how its ALWAYS been. I’ve been incredibly blessed. Professionally - changes I never saw coming, I rolled with them and trust that it was the direction I was supposed to go… and it is. Having Anna… look how great that turned out! Leaving Utah and being away from my family put a completely different spin on the concept of independent, I needed that spin. (Still miss them madly, don’t get the wrong impression here ;-) ) So it was time to, for lack of a better phrase, “give it over to God”.  I also had to get over a huge wall I'd created that had "He doesn't love you anymore, you've screwed up too much" stamped all over it.  Broken heart is too mild when someone believed God no longer loves them.  Once I'd hurdled that foolish, yet powerful wall, I noticed that I started to see things...

I have lots of really cute couples in my life that are clearly still smitten with each other… and guess what… not ALL have been married since early adulthood! A friend (in her 50’s) recently said she’s only been with the RIGHT man for 9 years…so it gives me hope. And in a brief conversation with a family member I learned that he had a new goal… to have a baby by the time he’s 50 – a HUGE statement for someone that didn’t think that would ever be a possibility or that he deserved it.

I find myself enjoying my trashy romance novels a little bit more (the Nook is fabulous for this!), noticing the cute families in church and the little touches that they probably take for granted sometimes, and (this makes me giggle) the couples that kiss after a blessing is said on the food at dinner time (there’s more than one of you). How darn cute is that? lol

In this case, seeing is believing. The more I see in other people, the more I believe for me.

Back to the topic of change…

I’ve learned that when it’s TIME and the desire to change is REAL that it’s easier to be consistent. People have asked me “what’s different this time?” (it’s not my first time) And the only answer I can give is that fear isn’t there anymore… I’m coming at it from a position of faith… that things WILL work out how they are supposed to and I’m to do my part and leave the rest up to He who knows more than I. I’ll invite love into my life (be open to it),  “See Motorcycles”, and be ready. And while all of that is percolating, I’m happy where I am – personally and spiritually. Can’t ask for more than that.

A final thought from the article…

The best is yet to be… “Dismiss the destructive, and keep dismissing it until the beauty of the Atonement of Christ has revealed to you your bright future and the bright future of your family, your friends, and your neighbors. God doesn’t care nearly as much about where you have been as He does about where you are and, with His help, where you are willing to go.”

Thank you, Elder Holland (and Bryon for bringing the article to my attention!)