Regroup and Regrow

Today I am a mess. 

For anyone that has known me for a long time, you know that I was once involved, engaged to briefly, a man named Dan.  We were lousy as a couple and that part of our relationship was very hurtful.  Over the years though, we have both changed and worked really hard to be friends, very good friends.  And we were really good at it. 

I called him a few weeks ago and left a message.  It had been a month or so since we'd talked and it was time to catch up.  I didn't hear back from him, which was weird since neither one of us failed to return the other's call.  So, last night I went to his Facebook page with the intent of messaging him... to find post after post to him about his death.  DIED a month ago, the week before I called him. And, FTR, finding out a friend has died from posts on their Facebook completely SUCKS. 

I panicked, I cried, I hyperventilated, I cried... and then I cried some more.  I still can't find an obituary but I did find a news blurb that said he was a victim of drowning.  He and his girlfriend (new, since I didn't know about her, that's how close we were), his son and at least one more child, plus a couple of others were boating.  The kids went into the water for a final swim (in vests) and so did one of the women... she started to struggle and he went in to help.  She was able to get back in the boat. Dan did not.  I can't even imagine what happened given he was as at home on the water as land.  No matter. 

So, I'm heartbroken.  And this morning I realized that this is the first time I've lost a friend to a senseless accident - illnesses - yes, military - yes, but no accidents.  I spoke with my BFF last night and she reminded me that while he died a month ago, in my reality, he died yesterday. The grief made sense. 

I was all prepared to blog about a book I just read called "God on a Harley"... which had some insightful information.  I'll save that for another day but there's one part I wanted to mention, since it relates to the relationship Dan and I had as friends.  In the book, the woman is questioning if marriages really work... I would suggest that the following applies to any relationships where love is involved... family, friends, partners. 

"...it only works between two people who have slain their own dragons and who understsand that real love is what grows in a heart that has been fertilized with the seeds of self-awareness and a heart that is strong enough to sustain that hard earned sense of self." 

Rest in peace, my friend.

And now I have to go or I will start to cry again... :)   Soon I will be back to tell all about the great things that have happened this summer.