Readers Beware! A Reflective Post...

In case you ever wonder WHY so many of my thoughts are about romantic love it is because it's the only thing missing in my life!  I have a fabulous child, a great career, good friends, and a nice life.  But I'm alone... at the end of the day, its just me.  And someday I'd like it to NOT be just me... so I think about it sometimes, and it comes through in these posts.  I appreciate your tolerance... :)

In Chapter 2 of the Soulmate Secret author Arielle Ford addresses readiness; readiness for having your soulmate arrive!  She discusses the importance of 'preparing' the soil and 'weeding the garden of our hearts, bodies, and minds' before we can really be ready to receive new love.  When I read this book many months...a year?...ago, I went through all of the exercises and tools she proposed.  And I it helped a lot, not with everything in one fell swoop, but it was a great beginning!  

In my opinion, this chapter is all about gettin' rid of baggage!  Good baggage, bad baggage, cheap baggage... it all gets in the way if we...I... want to manifest (aka visualization, attract) my soulmate. I've always had a weird feeling that we've already met, and maybe we've already had a shot and it failed for whatever reason...that time.  So I will trust that IF that is true, that the Universe will give us another shot. 

Whether we've already met, or have yet to meet...doesn't really matter and that's not really what this post is about. It's about the readiness.  So, lets get started! :)  These are the questions she asks...

#1... Is there someone I'm still in love with? (ok, I'd never have written the sentence that way)

Three weeks ago, I would have said no without hesitation.  In the last year I FINALLY managed to let go of THE block, so I figured I was good. But then... Anna's dad popped up.  STOP... this is a GOOD GOOD thing!  For Anna, for him, for me... and not because we're going to be some happy little family (altho that idea was appealing) but because there were things that needed to be said.  So I'm going to rephrase this question...

Are there feelings left from a past love that need to be acknowledged and addressed?  

Yup... didn't even know they were there, they'd been packed away for more than 20 years, with a layer of dust so thick that I didn't know they were still there!  But in the last couple of weeks, at least for me, we've talked things out...got a little caught up in the feelings... cried a bit, processed a lot, and am coming out on the other side...feeling free-er. 

I had thought for a long time that the core of many of my relationship decisions and mistakes stemmed from the way our relationship ended.  I never thought there'd be a chance to address the situation because I only had one side, mine, and time had colored some things.  So, to hear his side, to realize just how many crazy and stupid misunderstandings there were, things said in a reaction to hurt, and all of the things that followed.  I was totally open to seeing if we had a second shot, that would have been cool.  And not JUST because he's Anna's father, he can be that without being anything but my friend.  But for us, since suddenly old, and new (for me) feelings were coming up.  Oh well... apparently not strong enough.  And that's ok.  So at least now I know...and I can 'rebuild', let go of some ways of thinking that orginated many years ago.

I'm grateful for the events of the last few weeks, they have been hard but valuable. 

#2...Is there someone I am still angry with, feel betrayed, or haven't forgiven?

Short answer...no.  I'm good. 

I spent a lot of time on this question the first time I read the book... and suspect it's also part of the reason I went into this revival of communication with Anna's father without angry feelings.  So I feel pretty good about this one... ultimately, even though it hurts, I can't make someone love me, I can't make them want to be with me, I can't make them consider me important enough to put forth an effort... and that's what I've always wanted most, so it had sucked that over and over again I've looked for those things in men that were incapable of giving it, to me at least.  Holding on to anger, hurt, and sorrow (beyond a reasonable period :)  ) is pointless and only hurts me. 

I'm grateful that this is truly a part of how I live, that I consciously work at NOT holding on to hard feelings and hurt. 

#3... Is there room in my life for another person?

Er...literally?  My apartment is teeeeeeeny... It's bursting at the seams with just me! Oh, no...that's not all she meant... lol  The question is about having the time and energy to devote to a deep, loving, committed relationship.  Oh... that.  Yes, I DO believe I have the time and energy... that's never been a problem. 

I am grateful that I haven't really let past experiences convince me that relationships aren't worth the effort. 

#4... Am I physically ready?

That's not referring to being skinny. It's referring to presentation though, being deliberate in the non-verbal messages that are being sent... and appearance impacts it all... its true, when we look good we feel good, when we feel good we are more confident.  I know that's true for me... and when I feel more confident, I attract confident people. 

The flip side of that is that we're ALWAYS attracting people, whether we feel good or not, they just may not be the kind of people we want to attract!  So basically, this question is about your...my... physical appearance being consistent with the kind of person I want to attract. 

As for what I'm doing... I'm keeping busy, not so crazy that I am in avoidance, but busy enough.  I especially am enjoying my workouts at Curves, especially the nights I do Zumba!!! And people are starting to comment that its showing, which is nice re-enforcement of my efforts (which I would continue even if no one said anything, because I feel better!!!). 

I am grateful for my increased energy and positive feelings that come from exercise and being around people that shore me up simply by being themselves.

#5... Creating Soul Space

Gotta say, this one is hard for me.  I'm a believer in being actively engaged in this pursuit... but this one wants me to be still.  Still?????  She says that readiness isn't just about releasing old loves (and all the related baggage), it's also about achieving a degree of stillness inside, I interpret that as peace.  Think about it, if there's too much going on inside, can you even HEAR your intuition? 

Oh yeah... she also says timing is everything.  Bah... I HATE that I believe that sometimes...lol But I do, totally.  There's a reason Anna's dad resurfaced when he did, why it didn't happen 6 months from now and why other interactions we've had in the past few years have been dismal at best.  And so it shall be with this too.  Soulmate shows up on anything but MY timetable.  I will continue to work on trusting that timetable.  And its not really as tortureous as it sounds...lol 

I am grateful for a firm belief that things happen for a reason and in their own time. 

Ok kids, that's chapter two of the book... if you're single, and not wanting to be (or you know someone who is), I recommend the book.  Even if you don't fully embrace the idea of manifestation, the exercises and stories she tells will probably resonate on some level. 

Birthday Week

So this is my 'birthday week'... on Thursday I get a year older.  While I have no seriously exciting plans, my week has started off with a bang. 

Today I spent the day on a service project with my church... yep, on SUNDAY.  It is unusual for the LDS Church to cancel meetings but for this project, arrangements were made to do just that.  Ok, we had a brief Sacrament Meeting at 8 AM (yes, 8 AM) but that was it.  For those who don't know, we usually have three hours of meetings, so this is a significant point.   Before we left the building, we were teamed up into groups of 10.

Part of our team...

I'm not an uber spiritual gal, nor a complete pagan either... so imagine my surprise when I walked into the chapel and looked at those gathered SO early, all dressed for work (jeans and workboots in the chapel? It felt very decadent...lol) and willing to give of themselves and their time.  It was one of the few times that I have been...overwhelmed.  We (Christians in general) are taught to be Christ like, to take care of each other, even strangers... and I gained a new level of understanding of this principle today.  And it moved me to tears.  

We arrived at the chapel where the entire project was meeting and HUNDREDS of people were there, even some from New York in to help!  Our task? To provide help to people around north Jersey that were still struggling with the damage caused by Hurricane Irene and Tropical Storm Lee (they had asked for help).

Our team was awesome!  To be fair, I was the newbie, most of them had participated last weekend, some of them on the same team.  The whole experience brought back a feeling from my childhood... I was fortunate to have grown up in a place where helping your neighbor was just what you do... church or no, its about community and taking care of each other. 

We went to two houses... and mucked out basements.  Three + weeks after the storms and the water damage is still obvious (beyond the smell). The water marks...and mold... showed how far the water had come. The father of the woman who owned the house was with us, the house without power or water.  The water mark was a good three feet above ground... ABOVE ground.  What do you think happened to the basement... that's right!  FILLED UP. Seeped through the floors of the first floor.  Everything had to come out... lifetimes of memories, toys, clothes, books, paperwork... not to mention the actual furniture and cabinets that had to be torn out.

The father reminded me a lot of my own father... especially when he shared with us that he'd begged his daughter and her family to come to his home the night before (they insisted on staying) and now has welcome her family of five into his(and wife) home...indefinitely... he's totally ok with it. 

The second home was mostly just hauling things out of the basement.  The owner was there, and frankly, she looked a little shell shocked still.  I would not be surprised to find that she, and others, haven't been able to start on the recovery because they just don't know where to start.  We were happy to help her get past that hump.

Its amazing what a team of 10 can accomplish in a short time when they work together!  Our hearts went out to not only the families we served, but the homes we passed where piles and piles of damage were laid on their curbs.  I can't imagine how hard its been for them.  I am most grateful that my home  and so many the homes of those I care about fared well. 

In the words of one of the hymns from this morning's meeting...

Because I have been given much, I too must give;
Because of thy great bounty, Lord, each day I live;
I shall divide my gifts from thee
With every brother that I see
Who has the need of help from me.

Because I have been sheltered, fed by thy good care,
I cannot see another’s lack and I not share
My glowing fire, my loaf of bread,
My roof’s safe shelter overhead,
That he too may be comforted.

Because I have been blessed by thy great love, dear Lord,
I’ll share thy love again, according to thy word.
I shall give love to those in need;
I’ll show that love by word and deed:
Thus shall my thanks be thanks indeed.

-- Grace Nowell Crowell