Happiness...

... last week sometime a friend of mine asked me if I was happy.  I'm sure it was in response to a momentary grump I was in so of course I couldn't answer in the affirmative that day.  Once the grump was over, however, I had a more objective look. 

Before I go any further.... thanks to Anna for the new "autumnish" look... soon enough I'll be asking her to change it fro Christmas but for now its lovely!

Ok, back to happy. I've been meaning to write this every since he asked me that question and have been distracted, tired or even sick since then, so today I am resolved! 

I haven't really been sure what 'happy' really meant... so off I went to dictionary.com and here's what I found...

hap·py

1.  delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing

Delighted?  eh... maybe not a word I'd choose.  Pleased?  yes - pleased that my life is going so very well.  Pleased that my work has offered me unexpected opportunities to do more than what I was hired to do.  Pleased that I have a support system of awesome women (and a few good men :)  ) around me.  Pleased to have two wonderful trips planned to see people I love.  Glad? Yes, glad to have a cozy home and everything I need.  Glad to be able to use my talents to serve others and craft gifts for people I love. 


2. characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy: a happy mood; a happy frame of mind.

Pleasure?  eh - Occasional.  Contentment? More and more all the time.  Content with my being single, certainly in the face of the alternative of being with the wrong person.  Content with the job I did as a mother since Anna is still an awesome kid.  Joy?  Another hard one... lots o'happy? Life is good... nothing rapturous though. LOL 

3. favored by fortune; fortunate or lucky: a happy, fruitful land.

Fortunate? Very!  I always have been!  I've always maintained that my life has been charmed... while I frequently have people comment on how challenging it must have been to raise Anna alone, I've never seen it that way.  I never thought of it as a trial or a problem - exactly the opposite actually... I've been very blessed and fortunate. "Alone" is a misnomer... I was never alone.  I had my parents and my siblings and girlfriends  - all supportive and helpful.  Fortunate because I've always had the right people in my life at the right time, even if I wanted different, even if I wanted more... what I NEED has always been given.  
Lucky?  Not sure I believe in 'luck' since I have an equal disbelief in 'coincidenece'.  I believe things happen for a reason so I've gotten used to letting things roll and play out.  I believe if I do my part, all that -I- can do, then the rest is left up to someone more powerful than I... and what I get, is what I need.  Now, don't be confusing that with being patient or wanting what I want... I still do that.  I'm just willing to trust that what I get is enough...for the moment. 

In another discussion with this same friend, I was trying to explain how I deal with the 'what ifs'.   Many years ago, when I lived in DC, my then and now BFF taught me something I'll never forget about making decisions; about how immobilizing the 'what ifs' can be... spend too much time second guessing yourself and guess what... YOU NEVER MAKE A DECISION!  So, instead, I adopted the following:

1. I'm a smart cookie and completely capable to making good decisions.
2. Precious time is wasted by worrying about the possibility that I made the wrong decision - especially since the worry is usually worry that there are facts unknown to me.
3. I consider everything I DO know about...whatever...and made a decision based on THAT information, its all I have.
4. If my decision turns out to be misguided or in error (and this is the part that took a LOT of practice)... its ok, because I know I made the best decision with what I knew at the time....and I refuse to beat myself up over it. 
5. Very little in life is unchangeable...and I can usually course correct without serious damage.  And even when its NOT an easy correction (like moving to NJ and staying here after Steve and I broke up) the lessons learned along the way are valuable and improve me.

Sometimes it makes me sound impulsive...and I suppose that's true too but its based on really quick version of the above.  THIS practice helps me to be happy.  It also allows me to trust my gut more...which is something I had stopped doing.  And that can't be bad.  

 So, Squish, am I happy?  I have to say yes.  I am.  Thanks for asking. :) 

Lost Friends

Many years ago I lost a dear friend to cancer.  Sadly enough, she was the first of many.

Karalee was a pistol, she was audacious and ballsy.  I met her when I was 19. I was in college and she was a married mom with two young daughters.  We worked, along with many other fabulous women, for a retail store in a local mall.  Over the course of many years we became the group known as the "LB Gang".  She introduced me to many things as a young adult... and a young mother.  My daughter had 'look' Barbies and 'play' Barbies because if her...lol  She took me to Vegas for the first time (nope, I wasn't legal).  And she and one of the other girls were who I used to go dancing with all the time... at the great indulgence of her husband. 

In January 1995, I was working a part time job (in addition to my FT job) at the mall (different store) when called to tell me she had a brain tumor... I didn't think it was very funny.  Neither did the doctors.  The operated immediately and by the grace of God she recovered well.  It was 18 months later that she and I were sitting on her patio and she told me the cancer was back and inoperable.  I was stunned.  And once the numbness wore off, I was determined to make sure that I spent as much time with her as possible and that she knew I loved her...so every time we were together I made a point of telling her I loved her before I left.  A year later she refused to let me see her and wouldn't talk on the phone anymore... not COULDN'T... WOULDN'T.  And two months later I received a call from her husband that she had died. 

I can count on one hand the number of things that knocked me off my feet...literally, as in dropping to the floor.  Dave's phone call was one of them. 

I have been incredibly blessed in my life that until recent years I had not suffered the loss of friends or even many family members (up to that point, my grandfathers).  So, to lose a friend I loved SO much was pivotal. 

The best thing to come out of it was a new awareness of how important it is that people know they are loved.  I've been lackadaisical about it lately and have resolved to do better.  Comfortable or not, people, it needs to be said.  I think its a common thing to unexpectedly lose someone and worry that they didn't know how much you cared for them... which, IMO, adds to the grieving.  The only way to combat that is to TELL them.  If "I love you" does not come easy, and for some of us it does not, there are other ways.  Find the way that works best for you.  And BTW, I believe they know... its just one thing that helps US find peace without them. 

Losing someone always sucks... there's no way around it.  And we take as long as we take to mourn the loss.  When Dan died this summer, if you've read the entry about it you know, I was devastated.  I spoke with a good friend that is a therapist shortly after learning of his death and she asked if I wanted her to help me process the loss... and I felt, and still do, pretty good about how things were left with us... we were dear friends who loved each other.  I'm at peace with that.  I like to believe he is too.  I see flashes of him... just like I do Karalee and the others... in people or places... and while it twists my heart a little, my life was greatly blessed for having them in it. 

To quote the fabulous James Taylor song...

Better to shower the people you love with love,
Show them the way that you feel
Things are gonna be just fine if you only will.